Corn Addiction...

I can't help myself sometimes...

I was at home depressed because I had a part of a cookie today, and I shouldn't be but I am. I know I work really hard and I am putting in two hours a day at the gym and I'm beginning to see results again finally but its not enough for me.

I want to be skinny, I want to know what it feels like because I never have and maybe its just a pipe dream, like I'm working at something I'm never gonna get but I can't believe that or I would have to give up.
When you're really big like I was, its hard to eat stuff like cookies in front of people. Its hard to eat anything, I judge myself enough. I don't want to know what everyone else is thinking.

You all have seen me, you know I've worked really hard. I don't want to take any steps backwards, so I feel like I have to be really hard on myself.

I have to believe that at the end of all this, I'm gonna get what I want and hopefully what I deserve. It seems fair right? That damn prize at the end is gonna be awesome, and I'm prepared to work HARD for it.

There has to be something amazing out there for me.

Everyone goes through their shit to get to the good stuff.

Well I've discovered that as you start to change your lifestyle and your eating habits your whole body changes. You start to crave weird things, healthier things than you used to. Then you find out that those potato chips or that cookie you wanted so bad really wasn't a good idea. It will make you feel like crap. My stomach hurts so bad right now I want to throw up. Not because I feel bad for eating it, don't get me wrong...
For me eating a sexy rich buttery cookie is like waking up from a regretful one night stand. Trust me I've done both.
It seems like a really good idea when you want it but later on your like wait, Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. God I hope this doesn't give me diarrhea...?
My stomach feels bad because I just filled it like a whore full of shit that I'm not used to eating anymore. Butter, sugar, chocolate, I can feel it all rolling up my throat.
The only choice is to ride out that bad feeling and deal with what you've done.

So, lately the only thing I've been wanting to eat is Corn. I can't get enough of it...I would take it in the morning, the afternoon, and even in the middle of the night. I wake up wanting it, salivating...I don't get it. Its just Corn. We're all human, and some of us just want a little Corn.
Its healthy to want to Corn, right? I mean, you can try different kinds, and have it different ways until you figure out what you like. Sometimes its even different sizes!
Popcorn, Caramel Corn, and Kettle Corn. Don't forget about the Latina in me who loves her HOminy!
This Food Whore loves it all.
The way I like it best it just plain. Its the right flavor, and it is definitely the right size.
Besides its sugar and starchiness its actually healthy. And, if you buy the frozen corn which I do then its not packed with sodium. I wish it had more protein though............

I want it so bad that I start to feel bad about it. Why, its Corn, its not really that bad for you. Its like fiber and it comes out the shape it went in. It makes me feel full, and it helps get rid of all the crap.
I like everything about it...the smell, the taste, the way it sounds when its in the pan. I don't even mind if it gets a little roughed up! I love the excitement I get as I'm waiting for it to get done....
I can't help it.
Then I get to eat it.

Okay, so its not really a vegetable, but come on...live in the Grey area with me for a minute.
I promise I'll show you a good time.

This really is a good thing. Eating Corn is a good thing because then I feel lighter and I walk a little taller. This is good for fatties, we need any kind of encouragement we can get.

Like High School Girls with low self esteem, we'll take whatever!

So, I finally decided that I had had enough! I was gonna quit corn! No more late night Corn for this Bitch!
No more breakfast Corn, afternoon Corn....NO MORE!
Why did I feel so bad about something so good.....!?
I did though, and I didn't know why.
The other night I came home and Roomie was cooking some Corn. I walked in and I yelled "YOU'RE cooking corn!" She said "yes, and......you can cook some Corn too if you want."
She had no idea how addicted I was to Corn and that I wanted to quit my addiction.
I said "I can't have any Corn, I've been having too much of it lately, I told myself I was gonna slow down. OHHHHH! I WANT SOME THOUGH!!!"
She looked at me like I was crazy and she laughed, she said "its just Corn!"
I said "its too late to eat, I just can't"

I walked away ashamed, and I couldn't explain why because I didn't know why...

I waited about an hour for her to go to bed, and then I went into the kitchen, turned on the stove, pulled the bag out of the freezer and proceeded to cook some Corn.
I seasoned it and put the tiniest smudge of soy butter on it and I ate it.......
I felt guilty, I felt bad....................but it felt so good.
That small bowl of corn was the best bowl I ever ate.

I could never really give it up, especially when it makes me feel so good to fight it so hard.
I can't help it I like the work, I like the hunt and I am enraptured with the final kill.
Its the thrill of the final surrender.
I know what you're thinking...........What...a...Whore...
Its just Corn, and I need to learn how to not be so hard on myself, this is not an easy lifestyle, if it were then everyone would do it.

You can never have too much of a good thing, who cares how sinful it is or isn't, don't worry I "Corn" responsibly.

There is nothing wrong with a little corn....
and so what if it becomes a

Corn Addiction.

Love,
Trixie

Heavy Duty...

Well, it has been just too long hasn't it?
I must apologize for my absence I was caught between the voice of reason(a bitch) and reality(an asshole). It wasn't fun and has been extremely difficult but the war is almost over and it looks like I'm winning.
What am I winning you ask? I got myself back and the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. And I won the freedom to make mistakes and my own choices, to get back to what I know and what I want and the ones that I have missed and make me happy.

Everything is all mine...I take it all, the good and the bad.

I have always said: I am no ones poster child.

I feel the need to share something, sort of like a PSA.

I love people because they amuse me. We say the dumbest shit. I do it myself, just drink with me for one night and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So, I work at a bakery. I've said it before and I will say it again, its really fucking hard to lose weight and control yourself when you have to see it everyday. I'm doing it though and I'm finding success again thanks to the help of a few individuals. I am grateful...

Well at this bakery we make Tuna salad. Well, actually the Retail staff makes it and I hear at least one person a day say "Mayonnaise is so disgusting. I hate it, its got to be like so bad for you. Just listen to it, it even sounds gross." Then they shake the container to you can hear every ounce of fat hitting the sides. They laugh and they think its funny to bitch about it.
I find it really annoying, because people are dumb! We constantly act oblivious and do all the wrong things. We do them even though we know its bad for us.

Well, you know me and I rarely hold my tongue, especially when it comes to food.

I got mad and I finally said "Hey guess what? Mayonnaise is bad for you, look at the fucking label...what does it say? How many calories are in a serving of that shit." The poor retail child stopped what he was doing and looked at the label. He said "Oh my God there is 100 calories per serving!" I said "Thats right, do you even know what is in that gallon sized container of crap that has been touched by Satan?" He said "no" I said "but you eat it right? And you like it? But, then you complain everyday about how gross its got to be....yes?"
He shook his head yes to all of my questions.
I said "see, the problem is that people have no idea of what they put into their bodies until its too late. Then you have to try and fix all the damage you've done."
We do it with food, alcohol, people, feelings all that shit. We allow toxic shit into our lives and bodies.

This poor kid stood silent.

I said "See, the irony of all of this is that the warning is on the label."
He said "I don't see a warning..."
I said "Yes, its right there. It says Heavy Duty. Why would you put anything into your body that says Heavy Duty? You put heavy duty stuff into your car, or a machine. Do not put it into your body."
He looked at me like I had just told him the meaning of life or something.
He said "I never thought of it that way, wow its really, really gross to me now."

Hello?! This isn't new information, mayonnaise especially out of the gallon sized container is not really good for you. Read the label, I can't even pronounce the preservatives.

Don't do it people, don't put anything into your body that says, Heavy Duty or Industrial Strength.
Its not worth it and its no bueno.
Trust me I put enough of that crap in my body for years and now I have to work twice as hard everyone else.

Be smart, make the right decisions for yourself and don't let anyone control what you put into your body. That includes your mind too. There are crazy Bitches out there that will feed you whatever they can to get you to change. But, its not up to them. It is all yours.

Look for the signs and take care of yourself. Don't put too much of anything into your body that says..........

Heavy Duty

And if anyone has a problem with that, you can tell them Trixie said so.

Love
Trixie