You Had Sex Salad!

I'm still wearing last night, all of it. The lipstick, the eyeliner, and the hair are an absolute mess just so you know. I know that a couple of ibuprofen and a shower could severely change my life right now but I have to tell you this story from the other night.

Last night is still too new to talk about, and I’ve got to digest some of it before I can do anything else with it.

Two nights ago I was invited to a friends’ house for dinner and some recreational activity. I love these girls and I think they're great so I was super excited to hang out with them.

I walked in and Friend #2 says "we're having Italian night, some pasta with sauce” which friend #1 was in the process of making. Then she says "we're also having a little pizza"

I feel like I did a really good job of maintaining my portions, but I had also hit the gym that morning before work and then gone to a rough session of Hot Yoga. At this point I was ravenous; I hadn't really eaten because I was pretty busy all day. There were two other reasons I didn't eat very much, first one was that I knew I was going to have dinner with them and I had no idea what they were going to cook.

It’s hard for me to be social and live the life that I have adapted to. It’s also hard to eat with other people; I don't want to offend anyone ever with what they cook for me. Especially if I go to their home, I don’t ever want to seem ungrateful or unappreciative. It’s okay for me to eat things that are not always the best for me. I have to remind myself that it’s only a little bit, and its fine, don't freak out about it. I try not to overindulge anymore and I just can't eat like I used to. My stomach can't even hold that much anymore. I have to be really careful when I drink also. Drinking is my gateway to a relapse in my fatty place. We could call it an addiction, but that is too serious for me and I don't want to think about it too much. Anyways, when I drink I get so hungry for shitty food. Any shitty foods, chicken strips with ranch dressing, french fries, pizza. I think I've eaten a hamburger that belonged to someone else while I was drunk. No, really I found it in the fridge and heated it up.
Anyways, the other reason was that I knew we were going to smoke and I knew that I would have the munchies afterward
Friend #2 made a comment during dinner that stuck with me. No one actually said we were going to smoke, but it didn't need to be said. We knew. Friend #2 asked Friend #1 "Can you bring me another piece of pizza? I just want to be really full."
I thought about this for a second, if I were really full would that take away from the wanting to eat afterward. Could I kill the munchies before they hit? So I decided to try it, Friend #1 came back with the rest of the pizza and she looked at me and said "do you want another piece?" Of course I did, I ate it and it was delicious. We laughed, we ate, we drank and then Friend #2 puts her hands on the arms of her chair and says "Let's smoke!"
We headed to the living room and started smoking. We talked about all kinds of stuff, food, sex, work. The food and sex was me, I don't know why but I always combine the two.
Friend #2 started talking about the wedding they were going to the next night. She was really excited to get away, to stay at a hotel, to dance and drink. Then she started talking about what she hoped they ate. She said "I hope we have Aphrodisiac Salad!" I asked her what it was. She said "It was a salad we had on Valentine's Day. It had fruits, and seeds and flowers. It was good. I don't know, it was called aphrodisiac salad." I said "well an aphrodisiac is supposed to make people want to have sex, or make them feel sexy. Did you have sex?" She said well, yeah but the salad was good." I said "well did it make you feel sexy?" She said, "Not really but it was still really good."
In my heightened state of mind I said "So, you had sex salad!"

Everyone turned and looked at me and started laughing. I didn't realize what I had said until after I thought about it for a minute. I said "No, yeah, it was a sex salad."

We all laughed.

And just to let you know I came home and still had the munchies. I should be embarrassed to tell you this next part, but I came home and ate cheese and triscuits; 10 pretzels; and a 100 calorie bag of microwave popcorn. That wasn't enough though. I was still hungry and I was eating mindlessly. I couldn't stop myself I opened the refrigerator and grabbed the parmesan cheese. It was the reduced fat sprinkle kind so the only way I was going to be able to eat it was out of my hand or with a spoon. I had nothing to put it on so I don't really know what I was thinking. I reached for a spoon and I stopped. I got angry, I said out loud "Really, Lea what the fuck are you doing you gluttonous bitch! Is this what you have resorted to? You cannot even control yourself!" I threw the spoon in the sink and put the parmesan cheese away.

I know it’s horrible and I should be ashamed of myself, but its true and one thing I've never been is a liar.

Wish I had had a "Sex Salad".

Love,
Lea/Trixie

Food Whores!

So,
I cannot sleep and I should be because this girl has to get up early and get her ass on an elliptical in the morning and make it her bitch before work! If you don't know, I work out a lot and I like it.

Been thinking about this for days and I gotta get it out of my head.

I don't get people.

I get a lot of people coming up to me day to day and say "I really want to lose weight. Its just so hard! How did you do it?" First of all, duh! I know its fucking hard. Second of all don't ask me to share my secret, there is no secret. I had to meticulously count everything I ate for three years until I relearned how to eat properly. I also had to learn how to work really hard for my food and my drink! I love the drink, especially whiskey and vodka. As a fatty you live a life of excess that applies to the drink also. I had to work out like a maniac to get a functioning metabolism. Finally I had to figure out how to maintain it by myself without the help of anyone else. Its really great to have a support system but at the end of the day you have to live with yourself. You can't rely on anyone else to keep picking you up. If your support system really believes in you they will either stick around and tough love your ass till it hurts or they will let you go and come back when the time is right. You know they're there, somewhere...
Trust me I know.
So don't come to me and tell me you want to lose weight unless you really want to. I manage a bakery, this is not the ideal job for someone like me, but I make it work. I have to try and make as many people as I can hold me accountable for what I eat while I'm at work. If I ever feel weak and see something I want like the sinfully delicious cream cheese danish, I have to keep telling myself its not worth it. I don't need it, and it will not make me feel better.

I am convinced that Satan invented cream cheese, ranch dressing, and mayonnaise. Three things I used to love.

This girl I work with comes up to me and says "I have gained so much weight since I started working here and I hate it. This is the biggest I have ever been, I just feel so fat and gross." Yeah, eating too much at a bakery will make anyone fat. She is the size I would give anything to be right now. I said "Well how much do you weigh?" She said "160 lbs." I said "that's what a hundred and sixty pounds looks like." She laughed and began telling me a whole bunch of excuses as to why she just couldn't make herself work out.

This is where I feel like a total asshole, because I think this chick is cool and I don't want to hurt her feelings but I take this shit seriously. She comes to me and tells me what she eats all the time. She had a salad, so she felt great about that. She went home the other night and made baked chicken and vegetables. Awesome! Good for you! Don't expect a pat on the back from me, because the next day I watched this bitch make a huge sandwich, add on a bowl of tomato basil bisque and lastly add a handful of potato chips to her plate. This is okay if you're a fifteen year old boy!
I turned my head and looked away, because I know what it feels like to give up and head towards a binge. Its depressing and you usually feel like shit afterward. I've been there and done that.
This is where I lost my cool. I watched her dip potato chips into her soup, not just soup, BISQUE! Creamy Fatty Bisque! I can see the oil in this soup, its so fattening that the soup itself looks miserable as its trying not to break. This bisque is good, every now and then I let myself eat 2 ounces of it. Its also about 390 calories per cup. Why in the hell would you dip a potato chip into soup. I literally stopped everything I was doing and yelled "Oh my God, what are you doing?" Complete with panic hands on head.
She said "I'm eating, chips and soup and I don't care what you think. I've had salad the last two days and I'm sick of it. Just leave me alone." This is what makes someone a food whore.
Don't ask me for help if this how you handle shit. Don't expect me to listen to you cry about how much you hate your body if you're not willing to do the work.
Some of us have it easy and some of us don't...c'est la fucking vie.
I wish I could cure all the gluttonous food whores of the world, but some of them just don't want to be saved.
There isn't a girl in the whole world who gets more tingly about good food more than me. Come on, I call macaroni and cheese "Hot Cheesy Ecstasy!" But chips dipped in soup, this just screams food whore. There isn't a rule that says you can't be a little bit bad. I practically had a nervous breakdown over eating too many Triscuits last week. But for crying out loud, if you're gonna be bad, make it good and make it worth it. (I know what its like to be a food whore.)
And if you're gonna be a whore, own it.
Love,
Lea/Trixie