It's been a while hasn't it?
Feels like ages since I've had anything valid to share. That's kind of a lie, I've actually had lots happen I just had to get my head back together to figure things out.
I moved out on my own and am trying to adjust to living solo. It's been interesting. The only person that is judging me now is me. I can do whatever I want. Its awesome, and its really bad. I can admit now that the first week I lived on my own I ate really shitty, like pizza and cheap sandwich cookie shitty. I couldn't bring myself to finish them all. I did throw them away before I almost ate them all. I felt awful but there was no one there to tell me no. I thought, what the hell? I have to live with myself and that's why I threw it away.
Fatty needed a fix.
I've readjusted since then and am headed back to a good head space. Nothing is easy and no one pushes me harder than I push myself.
Not that long ago I went to watch one of my employees softball games. It was her first game of the season and I wanted to support her. She keeps me in line, I wanted to see her play. Well we were supposed to go to a place called Pizza Ranch. Well, I being the paranoid Bitch that I am decided it would be a good idea to check out the menu. Here is what it said:
Mile-long Buffet™
How hungry are ya?
It's a spread fit for a cowboy! Dig into our huge selection of Pizza Lover's Pizza®, plus the Country's Best Chicken®, hot mashed taters and gravy, vegetables, salad and potato wedges. Then mosey on over to the dessert pizzas including our famous Cactus Bread®. And fer the little ones, we've got puddin'!
I looked at it and almost lost it. It was like my nightmare come true. My friend was standing next to me while I looked at this menu and he said "Oh no, Lea...I can't even walk in there and if I can't go in there than you really can't." I could have been insulted but he was right. I knew there was absolutely no way I could go in there and remain composed.
I quickly sent a text to my other friend I was going with and told her that I was sorry but I couldn't go to a buffet. She said she understood and told me it was okay. She said "Don't forget to save room for ice cream though!"
Fuck me! I forgot about ice cream after the game. Its not really a night out at a game without ice cream afterward. I really wanted the ice cream too.
Well, if I was gonna have ice cream then I was gonna have to justify it and make it worth it.
I had to plan for something like that. I decided that if I was going to eat ice cream that I would have to be really good that day and not eat anything else. Well, I ate but I had to be careful because I know how many calories are in an ice cream sundae, a lot.
I sent a text to my trainer/mentor/coach/best friend asking him if it was okay if I ate ice cream if I ate nothing else that day, but he was too busy to respond to me, and I needed to get through this one on my own. I'm the independent type and I hate asking him for too much, but that's what I hired him for. That asshole would have told me no anyways, so whatever. If it had been a Grey Goose Martini, he would have said yes though. Just for the record.
It was all good. I had a plan....not eat all day and then have just a little ice cream.
The game was fun and then we headed to a place called Captain Sundae.
It was like ice cream heaven...I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I walked up to look at the menu and expected to see the standard. I was so wrong.
I walked up and saw a menu like a cocktail list. I felt like I was picking a designer martini. It had like 30 different types of ice cream cocktails. They were all themed.
I chose the Salty Dog. I figured that since I liked that drink, I would probably like the sundae.
It had vanilla ice cream; malt powder; chocolate syrup; peanut butter cups; crushed pretzels and whipped cream on top.
Dont forget the cherry.
For a fatty like me...I almost wet myself at the table. I don't know who Captain Sundae was but I wanted him bad. I wanted minutes, hours, days alone with him so I could thank him over and over again.
It was instant euphoria. Really, if I hadn't been in public I would have thrown the ice cream on the floor and rolled around in it...naked. It was cold that day too.
I ate it so fast, it was like I forgot that I was in front of people. I let Captain Sundae take over me and he could have had his way with me right there in front of everyone.
Thank God I don't live in Hudsonville.
Well here it was Father's Day and fatty pants was having a bad day. Apparently I have daddy issues and they would just not go away that day. What a day for them to show up huh?
We all know that girls with daddy issues either end up huge sluts or fatties. Lucky me, I got the best of both worlds. Thanks Daddy!
So, the only thing that I wanted to eat that day was tacos and ice cream, and then I remembered Captain Sundae. That asshole had dug his creamy pretzels under my skin and he wouldn't let go. He was wooing me with peanut butter cups and I didn't want to like it but I did. The only thing that would make Captain Sundae that much better was if he were white and blonde.
Can't help it, its my kryptonite.
Captain Sundae is so good at what he does, it wouldn't matter what he looked like.
So, here I was trying to do anything I could to not think of Captain Sundae! I cleaned, I took my dog to the park, I called my mom. I texted my trainer/mentor/coach/best friend.
I finally sat down in my car listening to my cry baby dog panting like crazy and I realized that I needed to pull it together. I needed to get tough, I needed to be the Bitch that I was. I was not going to give in to Captain Sundae! I thought about it, I thought about driving all the way to Hudsonville so I could see him and have him give me what I wanted, but I didn't.
I turned off my phone, so I could truly be alone and just ride it out. I had to, in the back of my mind I knew I was better than that. I was better than a moment of weakness. I've worked too hard and I wasn't willing to give up. A year ago might have been a different story...
I went home, cooked healthy food and hula hooped for what seemed like an eternity.
I realized that what I needed was to sweat out the crazy. Sweating gets out toxins, and exercise releases endorphins.
The fight between myself and Captain Sundae left me breathless and tired. In the end though I won.
So,
Fuck You Captain Sundae!
Love,
Trixie
