Beer-icle Grow

I've been quietly struggling for a long time.  Peacefully succeeding and painfully failing.
It's not any one's fault but its just what happens to us.
We climb, and we fall.  Some of us get back up and some of us just have to lay there for a bit.  I feel like I've been laying here for a while.
Is it time to get back up?
I don't know.
I know that I want to be okay, but its hard to fake this one.
Almost everything I loved is gone.
But nothing was as hard as watching my mother take her last breath.
Nothing really matters after that.  You just keep going because you have to, and that's what everyone wants you to do.
But fuck them, I am not okay.  I can't pretend to be anymore.
It's rare that I have any breakthroughs anymore, it seems impossible to feel anything anymore.

It seems impossible to do anything.
But the professionals keep telling me to find the light, look for some kind of hope.  They want me to find the value in my life and in myself.

This isn't a happy place for me.  In fact it may be the darkest its ever been.

I could lie, but I'm really fucking bad at it and the raw truth is better than any bullshit lie.

Writing this seems to be the only way I can be honest with people, and myself.  Writing this seems the best way to dig myself out of it and into something else.

Because sitting in the dark like this isn't any fun.

Well, the other day I had a small breakthrough.

I know I have issues, everyone does.  I know that dealing with the loss of my only parent is going to take a long time.  I know that getting back on the weight loss wagon is going to be tough.
All of these things aren't impossible, they were just things I didn't want to grow up and deal with.
I couldn't, I was barely hanging on.

I had had an extremely drunken escapade that ended badly and was talking with my therapist about it.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm crazy.  I've got a circle of friends who are just as crazy as I am and would tell me to run with it.

So I am.

What I'm not willing to do is to keep poisoning myself as a way to distract me from the feelings I have.
I know I have to deal with them and I think I'm finally ready.

As I said, I was talking to my therapist and I was telling her that I needed to clean up my life.  I needed to stop the extracurricular activities I was engaging in.

I told her that I thought I had a problem.  I was angry, sad, lost and stuck in the dark all at the same time.

She asked me why I though that.

I said "Because I can't keep up like this, I can't keep getting blacked out drunk and expect to get better.  I can't expect a plant to grow if I keep trying to water it with beer...or vodka actually for that matter!"

And as soon as I said I understood what was happening to me.  I had been sitting there for months in this office trying to figure why everything happened and why I had such a hard time dealing with everything.

I had been clouding up my own vision for a long time and I had to stop.  I had to grow up and face what was in front of me or drown in a haze.
That's the easy way out and I've never taken that road.

This wasn't meant to be funny, but it was meant to be liberating.  I am not exclusive to these problems, we all deal with them.

I just deal with mine out loud.
And the sound of my fingers hitting keys is soothing.

The poison in my life has been long gone, and I had to let it go.
My mother is never coming back, but people tell me I'll see her again.
I see her when I look in the mirror.
I haven't forgot what a treadmill looks like or how it works, I just have to reintroduce myself.
Drinking doesn't solve my problems, it seems to only make them worse.
I will cook again, and I'll never forget how to use my knives.

There is a light, I see it, and I know that things will get better.

The sun is shining in the west.

I've said it many times to many people...This is just a moment, it won't last forever.

And I know that there is no such thing as...

Beer-icle Grow

Love
Lea

Meatloafed...

A while ago I saw an old friend. She said something very important to me that night, she said "You're different, you seem...not like the old you I used to remember. You used to have this fire and spark that I admired about you so much. What's happened to you?"

I didn't know what to tell her. So much had changed since the last time I saw her and I really didn't know where to start. I could have spilled my guts and told her the truth but honestly, I didn't know what the truth was anymore.

I looked at her and I said "I guess I'm just tired."

That was true, I was tired. I had been in a battle so long with myself, my friends, my job and food that everything had exhausted me and I was running out of steam.

I really did do the best I could for a long time, but I could feel the bend and I knew that I would break eventually.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I probably over thought about this for a long time, but I had too. I wanted to know why it bothered me so much.

Day in and day out the same things over and over again. I was praying for an explosion. Being too good for too long is never a good thing for me and I still haven't learned how to handle it yet.

The yogis keep telling me it's about balance and the devil told me not to give a fuck, we might as well have a good time.

Fuck the yogis and fuck the Devil.

They don't know shit about me.

So, I threw caution to the wind and let it all blow up. I felt like I was running into the same wall over and over again so I figured the only way through it was to blow it up and start over.

I needed a break, I needed some time away. I needed to figure out a new plan, the old plan wasn't working anymore and I really didn't know who I was anymore.

I can fight temptation all I want, but sometimes I can't win. I have to give in.

I had been following a strict diet plan for so long that I felt horrible about everything I ate. I had abstained from a lot of things that were bad for me, or might open a door towards temptation.

This includes alcohol, drugs, men and bad food.

All things I love.

I had been sad for a long time and I couldn't really shake it. I hadn't really tried either though, but I knew the sadness would eventually subside and I would really want to shake it off. I knew I would come up with a new plan and I would get back on track when I was ready.

Until then I finally realized the one thing I needed the most. I could eat all the bad food I wanted and drink like a fish but until I got what I actually wanted I wouldn't feel satisfied.

And sometimes you just gotta give into temptation, and I was hungry for one thing...

Meatloaf.

I don't know why, but I love it. I hardly ever eat it, and its total comfort food but I wanted it, bad.

I wanted meat, I really needed MEAT.

Yes, exactly what you're thinking...I needed it.

I was at work the other day and I was talking to a co worker. It had been a long day and we usually say goodbye over an end of the day chat. I like these chats, they make me feel human. Sometimes they make me laugh, I haven't laughed or really smiled in a long time.
The only thing I could think of was...meatloaf.

I told him how bad I wanted meatloaf.

He said "You can have meatloaf, you can make it yourself and it's not that bad. You might even be able to use turkey!"

It had occurred to me that I had been denying myself red meat, and I really wanted some.
He was trying to type "meatloaf" into the search and he said "doh, meatloaf, not meatload."

We both laughed.

I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. I couldn't stop and I really couldn't stop thinking about it now. It was too funny.

He finally showed me his favorite recipe online and we printed it off.
The next day he asked me if I had had meatloaf.
I hadn't yet.
So the day after that, I had had it. I was done fighting it, I really needed to get meatloafed.

I came home from work and cleaned the kitchen thinking about meatloaf. I also thought about how I needed to get a "meatload". I can't help it, I'm human. I'm also honest.

I know it's simple and people have it all the time, but to me this time it was special.
I did it. I made it, and it was beautiful. It looked like it belonged in a magazine and it tasted even better than I have ever had or ever remembered.

I didn't binge, or gorge myself. It was perfect. The piece I cut for myself was just enough to leave me in bliss.

I know it wouldn't last forever but at least I would feel it for tonight and I can appreciate that now.

When I was done I felt like I was really ready go forward. I was ready to start to let go of all the past shit and figure out what to do next.

I had been praying for salvation and wishing for an answer, but I didn't know that I would get it until I got what I needed all along.

I needed to give into temptation and really, really get properly "meatloafed"

Love,
Trixie