I've been quietly struggling for a long time. Peacefully succeeding and painfully failing.
It's not any one's fault but its just what happens to us.
We climb, and we fall. Some of us get back up and some of us just have to lay there for a bit. I feel like I've been laying here for a while.
Is it time to get back up?
I don't know.
I know that I want to be okay, but its hard to fake this one.
Almost everything I loved is gone.
But nothing was as hard as watching my mother take her last breath.
Nothing really matters after that. You just keep going because you have to, and that's what everyone wants you to do.
But fuck them, I am not okay. I can't pretend to be anymore.
It's rare that I have any breakthroughs anymore, it seems impossible to feel anything anymore.
It seems impossible to do anything.
But the professionals keep telling me to find the light, look for some kind of hope. They want me to find the value in my life and in myself.
This isn't a happy place for me. In fact it may be the darkest its ever been.
I could lie, but I'm really fucking bad at it and the raw truth is better than any bullshit lie.
Writing this seems to be the only way I can be honest with people, and myself. Writing this seems the best way to dig myself out of it and into something else.
Because sitting in the dark like this isn't any fun.
Well, the other day I had a small breakthrough.
I know I have issues, everyone does. I know that dealing with the loss of my only parent is going to take a long time. I know that getting back on the weight loss wagon is going to be tough.
All of these things aren't impossible, they were just things I didn't want to grow up and deal with.
I couldn't, I was barely hanging on.
I had had an extremely drunken escapade that ended badly and was talking with my therapist about it.
I'm not afraid to admit I'm crazy. I've got a circle of friends who are just as crazy as I am and would tell me to run with it.
So I am.
What I'm not willing to do is to keep poisoning myself as a way to distract me from the feelings I have.
I know I have to deal with them and I think I'm finally ready.
As I said, I was talking to my therapist and I was telling her that I needed to clean up my life. I needed to stop the extracurricular activities I was engaging in.
I told her that I thought I had a problem. I was angry, sad, lost and stuck in the dark all at the same time.
She asked me why I though that.
I said "Because I can't keep up like this, I can't keep getting blacked out drunk and expect to get better. I can't expect a plant to grow if I keep trying to water it with beer...or vodka actually for that matter!"
And as soon as I said I understood what was happening to me. I had been sitting there for months in this office trying to figure why everything happened and why I had such a hard time dealing with everything.
I had been clouding up my own vision for a long time and I had to stop. I had to grow up and face what was in front of me or drown in a haze.
That's the easy way out and I've never taken that road.
This wasn't meant to be funny, but it was meant to be liberating. I am not exclusive to these problems, we all deal with them.
I just deal with mine out loud.
And the sound of my fingers hitting keys is soothing.
The poison in my life has been long gone, and I had to let it go.
My mother is never coming back, but people tell me I'll see her again.
I see her when I look in the mirror.
I haven't forgot what a treadmill looks like or how it works, I just have to reintroduce myself.
Drinking doesn't solve my problems, it seems to only make them worse.
I will cook again, and I'll never forget how to use my knives.
There is a light, I see it, and I know that things will get better.
The sun is shining in the west.
I've said it many times to many people...This is just a moment, it won't last forever.
And I know that there is no such thing as...
Beer-icle Grow
Love
Lea
