Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Crash

I'm back in Michigan and after what I went through in California this last time I'm not really that upset about it.  I still can't go into detail of what happened.  It hurts too much and in the end everyone thought I was an asshole when really they just didn't know the truth.

I'll tell you all someday, but today isn't that day.  The question that everyone wanted answered was "What happened out there?'  I don't have an answer yet and I can't even talk about it anymore.

I can tell you about last week and that I'm glad its behind me and I lived to tell you about it.

Last Monday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I still don't feel right and I'm not really sure how to be a functioning adult without her.  When she was alive she would reassure me that I was  on some kind of path and that I was doing the right thing.  She believed in me.  Now I know that anyone reading this can say they believe in me and I'm sure that you do.  But, until I could learn how to believe in myself my mom believing me was the next best thing.

Monday went by and I got through the day okay.  It seemed so busy that I didn't really get a chance to feel anything. I don't really like to feel very much in front of other people.  I'd rather write about it.

Tuesday was a blur and it doesn't really matter anyways.  The day that mattered the most was the next day, Wednesday.

I had promised myself that I would take some time off when I got home and not work.  NO WORK.  I wasn't really sure what my plan was going to be but I knew I needed a break from cooking.  All the reasons behind that will come later.

I was going crazy just after a month of being on the road back home and then hanging out on my sisters couch.  Although it was an amazing couch and we had spent hours together I knew I had to do something with myself at least part time.  So I did.
I got a job in the Lansing area at a small international market working in the deli.  Everyone one of them seemed puzzled when they asked me why I would want to work there for just over minimum wage.  My answer was always the same.  I wanted to do something different.

Going from working in a high stress demanding kitchen filled happily self proclaimed tattooed miscreants to a bunch of hairnet wearing daytime ladies was like going from 150 miles an hour on the highway to 45 in 65mph zone.

The whole experience was intense, but I was open to it.  I fancy myself a writer and a dreamer.  I'll try anything for inspiration.

I'm always looking for a new muse no matter how bad he or she may be.

Like I said this bunch of people was different.  They didn't know how to take me and I the same about them.  I didn't mind it though.  It was easy, I didn't have to think about much besides whether the customer asked for gelbwurst or jagdwurst.  Did they want half a pound of sliced gouda or a quarter of a pound?  It was easy.

There was one girl though that I didn't know what to make of.  It was obviously she didn't like me.  She did everything she could to try to make me feel stupid.  She seemed to disgustingly get off by making me wash dishes for hours even when they were all hers and none of them were mine.
She was the Assistant Deli Manager and I type that in all caps because she made sure I knew who she was.  She told me everyday at least twice a day and also made sure that I knew that she was a chef too and that we were probably trained differently.  She was the chef of a pizza restaurant.  Who was I to tell her anything that she did was wrong even though it was.
I ignored her most of the time and kept busy because I wanted to come in, do my job and go home.
This Wednesday was particularly interesting.  I had talked to her the day before and asked her why she didn't like me.  I got tired of everyone telling me that thats just how she was.  Thats how she talks to everyone.

Not me.  I've never been one to put up with anyone treating me like shit unless I loved them and I didn't love this Bitch.  I was amazed that anyone did.  She was awful and just the sight of her face made me sad.

Yes, I'm being bitchy and mean, but I did try to get past it when I asked her why she and I didn't get along.  I liked being there and I wanted problems with no one.  I'd rather tackle it, hash it out and get it over with.

Lets all move on.

I had been really trying to make efforts to get back on track and make some sense of my life.  The past couple of years had been bad and I was ready for some light.  I had even done a cleanse to jump start my return to weight loss.  I get sick of hearing about it too, but its a battle that I'll never be able to stop fighting.  I believe a lot of other people feel the same way and fall off and get back on like I do.

I had gone to lunch and not really had much that day besides my morning shake, green tea and a greek yogurt for lunch.  I was still hungry.

I ignore the basket of samples on the counter that the bakery ladies leave for people to sample all day long, but today I wanted something.  Just one bite and I would have been satisfied.  I had been exercising and eating well.  I felt good.
I peeked in the basket and a bakery lady named Trina said "Whatcha lookin for?"  She smiled at me.  I said "I just want something sweet.  I need a little bite."
She replied, "Here I have some Oatmeal Raisin Cookies that are out of date by like two days.  They're still good."
I said thank you and I smiled.  I knew that one lousy cookie wasn't going to ruin my life or day.  There was something different going on with me and I liked it.

As I walked back to the table to work with the Assistant Manager, she looked up at me jealously and said "Where did you get that?"  I smiled, "Trina just gave it to me."
 
She looked up walked towards Trina and said out loud, "Hey! I'm fat too, I want one too!"

I was humiliated and all of the sudden I felt like I was 11 years old again wanting my mothers shoulder to cry on until I felt better.  It was horrible.  Everyone looked at me shocked.  Were they as appalled as I was for her being such an idiot or worried that I was going to destroy this useless cunts miserable face with my bare hands?

I did neither.  I looked up and I said, "HEY! HEY! I'm not eating this cookie because I'm fat, I'm eating it because its delicious. "  And with that I smiled and it all seemed to be smoothed over.  She was embarrassed, her puffy face was all red and as she walked back, cookie in hand she apologized.  She told me she didn't mean to say it like that.  She had meant something else.

It was too late though, her idiotic comment rattled me.  It rattled me so bad that I went to my 11 year old self to deal with the humiliation I felt at that moment.  I shamed myself in my head for that cookie, and I was beating myself up far worse than she ever could have.  I immediately wanted comfort and for me that always comes in the form of food.  The remedy seemed simple, a bologna sandwich and Doritos.  That was all I wanted and then it would pass.

That afternoon I left work with a fake smile on my face so that no one would know what was really going on.  I had no idea how much I had given that Cunt assistant manager.  It was like I had given her permission to drive for the rest of the day.

I had a phone appointment with my therapist that usually takes place in my car in a random parking lot and I cried.  I cried to her because my mother wasn't there and I cried to her because my 11 year old self needed to be upset.  I was disappointed in myself and in how bad I had let that stupid cunt get to me.

I finished my appointment and I looked up and saw Wal-Mart.  I thought to myself, I can go in really quick and get some bologna and Doritos and then head home.  But I knew that wasn't going to help.  I knew my head was in a bad place and it had been for some time.  This cookie incident was just the last straw.  Something had to happen to shake me up.  Something had to change.

So, I said no.  No bologna, no chips and no stops before home.  I'm going home.
I turned my car around and went to exit the parking lot.  As I waited to turn left I sat silently.  No radio, no phone in hand and nothing really in my head.  I was empty.  I looked to my right and it was clear.  I looked to my left and that was clear, but it wasn't.  A black chevy trailblazer was flying around the corner so fast that I didn't have a chance.  The only thing I could do was try to make it so that she didn't hit me right in the driver's side door.  I thought, she'll hit the back of me and not the front, but I didn't make it.  She hit Me, and I mean Me. She T-boned my car and all I heard was a pop and glass fall all around like confetti.  When I opened my eyes I was dazed and saw blood pooling on my arms where the glass broke.  I could move my legs, my arms, but my feet were wedged in the between the smashed in door and the pedals.

I was alive.

The police arrived quickly and were followed by the fire department and an ambulance.  The only way out of my car was through the passenger side and the firemen weren't gonna let me out by myself.  They were hell-bent on getting me to the hospital to check out my neck and back.  So they did, they locked me in a brace with straps around my legs and pulled me out without moving my neck and back.  I felt like a rag doll.

The other lady was fine. She complained right away of her shoulder but I remember seeing her walking and pacing later on.  She had already yelled and screamed at me for pulling out in front of her.

I spent a few hours at the hospital and cried harder than I think I had in a long time.

They say that you should have no regrets, but who the fuck are they anyway?

I only have one regret from that day, and that is that I let that one incident over a cookie and the ignorant words of someone who doesn't matter almost take me so far away that I wouldn't have come back.  I'm thankful and lucky things turned out the way I did, and I've learned so much about my own emotional health and what I need to do next.  The path is bumpy and it isn't always clear, but don't ever let anyone steer you away from where you're going, especially if its the right direction.  And for God's sake don't give them the wheel.

Drive safe and don't have an,

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Crash

love,
Lea

I'm on the Wagon

Fuck.

I used to love to swear and be completely inappropriate but so many other dickheads and douche bags do it now that they're making it really uncool.  Thanks Jersey Shore.

Lately it seems to be "One of those days" every fucking day.  I do my best to get through them and just keep going.  If its the only option I give myself then that's the only thing that will happen.

Its not a secret that I struggle with my weight.  I always have, and maybe I always will.  But that's my problem, not yours.  I'm working on it.  Its taken me years to realize that the only person who can change your situation is you.  I can't help you, you can't help me.  We have to help ourselves.

I'd pretty much hit my lowest point last year and didn't know if I would ever get back on the ride that is my life.  I'd lost a lot of things and people that were really important to me, and even though I wanted to die, I was still living and the fucking world kept turning.  I had to keep going.

The truth was that I had taken so many positive steps forward to take like one hundred shallow narcissistic steps backwards.  When I didn't know where I was or what to do, I just quit.  I gave up and said fuck it.  I'm gonna go back to the old Lea and back to whats comfortable.

Eighty pounds later I found everything I was running from and when I had to look at it in the mirror I still hated it.

I left Michigan and moved to California to get away from everything and start over.

But, when I got here I was the same.  I still hated what I saw in the mirror.  Only this time I knew why I hated it so much.  I hated because I knew better.  I knew I was better than what I was being.  That flame never left me, it just kind of went to a flicker like a candle that's breathing its last breath.

I was breaking my own heart.

I had already let someone else break my heart, I had had the universe break my heart when I watched my mother leave this earth and now I was still breaking my own heart.  As if I hadn't had enough.

I am the truest glutton you'll ever meet.
I am the purest sinner I can be.

I was singing the same song to a friend of mine over Facebook because things weren't panning out as I had planned on my new adventure.  I was again talking to her about how much weight I had gained and how miserable I was.

She told me about this body challenge she was doing and that she wanted me to think about it.  Then typed this:
Can't stop thinking about you... So this challenge...I don't want to seem like I'm selling you, but I just keep coming back to your passion about healthy food and the power you have to impact soooo many people. This may not be what you were thinking when you dreamed your dream, but I think it is a vehicle that will get you there.

And I thought...Fuck it.  I might as well give it a shot.  I wanted to change, and I wanted to fix the situation that I was in.  I knew I had to quit drinking, I had to stop eating garbage and I had to take control of my health.  I was depressed and it was starting to really show.

So, I did.  I re lit my own flame and I was starting to feel good again.  I was starting to feel like I could make changes and that things didn't have to suck as much as I though they did.

I quit drinking at work with everyone else.  Alcohol does terrible things to me, I can acknowledge it now.  I started eating better and working out again.  I'm feeling better, more in control of myself and who I'd like to be.

People noticed, but they don't really understand my plight and here is why...

I hear these Bitches at work always talking about how they need to lose weight and they're tired of feeling bloated.  They ask me why I'm not drinking and as soon as I tell the why, they immediately project it onto themselves. "Oh, I should do that.  I really need to lose weight."

They say it time and time again and in many different ways.

What they don't understand is that this is who I am, I'm not looking for a quick fix to lose a quick 10 pounds.  I'm not trying to fit into a dress, or impress a man.  Or catch one for that matter.  Fuck that, when I'm ready for him he better be able to keep up with me.

I'm doing this because I want to live.  I watched diabetes, kidney disease, and heart failure kill my mother.  I watched her slowly kill herself.  This is what America is doing, we are slowly killing ourselves.

I have to do this for myself, for my sister, and for my mother.  I want my mothers legacy to live on.  She can still be beautiful, strong, and proud through me.  She can do this through me because she made me.  These are things I don't think she ever felt for herself and when I see her again I want to make sure she saw everything through my eyes.  Because just as I saw her tears, she can see mine.

Today we overcooked a flatbread and we couldn't serve it.  A girl server walked in and said, "well you guys can eat it or but that Bitch up and we'll all eat it."  Then she said "Well, I can't eat it, I shouldn't at least."  She looked at me and she said "I'm on the wagon."
I was immediately insulted, but just smiled at her.  Then she said "I'm on water and diet pills."
I wanted to slap this Bitch.  But, I didn't.  I looked at her and said "diet pills are so bad for you."
She said, "yeah, but they give me lots of energy!"

She left, but I knew that wouldn't be the last of her.

She came back later.  She walked into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry.  I need something to eat, but it has to be healthy.  Like, it can't be fattening, like I need to eat just plain chicken."

The chef and I just stared at her.  We didn't really know what she wanted, she never really said.
I know the effort it takes to eat well when you work in a restaurant.  So, I looked at her and said "Girl, you need to plan for this better."
She immediately got defensive and tried to explain why she had no time to eat or bring her own food to work.
She got mad after that and said "Forget it! I'll just go order food somewhere else."
I called after her and I said "Why don't you just order a salad and add chicken. I can make that for you if you want."

She said okay.  This was my way of trying to make her happy and help her out even though the bitch never really said what she wanted.

Her ticket for her salad came in minutes later and it read

Mixed Green
-ADD CHICKEN
-ADD BACON
-ADD AVOCADO
-VINI

Fucking Wow!  This girl didn't get it and she'll never get me.

This is a lifestyle. This is who I am and who I want to be.  Its a choice I made for myself to be a better version of myself.  This isn't me trying to find a quick fix for right now.  Its me, trying to live my life.

So, I said...Fuck her.  Fuck the look she gave me when she shot her "On the Wagon" comment at me and fuck her for thinking she knows how to do what I do.  She doesn't and may not ever.  And I really don't care, but it reinforced all the things in me that I though were lost never to be seen again.  I've found myself again and I'm going to hold on to it this time.

I'll hold onto it because it's older, wiser, and stronger.  It's me and who I always was.  I just had to get back to it.  My dream was always there and it never went away.  My journey isn't over yet.  I feel like I've only just begun.

So, maybe I am...

On the Wagon

Whatever, the only person I have to worry about falling off is me.

Love,
Lea