It is Easter Sunday and I can't sleep.
I could lie to you and tell you that I'm just too excited for a wonderful family filled day later and thats why I can't sleep, but that would be a big fat lie.
I've never been a good liar.
I can't sleep because I fell asleep earlier and now my body is awake. I want to sleep and I know I will be exhausted tomorrow but I just can't.
Being this awake sucks. Being sober sucks. Well, it sucks right now. People keep telling me it won't suck as much later on and that you'll experience a miracle. I'm not completely sold yet but I'm totally open to a miracle right now.
That would be the best fucking thing ever. A MIRACLE!!!
At least then I would know why or how and maybe even what for because the one thing thing that goes through my head when I can't sleep is how empty i feel.
I am eggless in almost every sense of the word.
I keep thinking about my childhood and easter egg hunts. It was simple back then and I miss that.
My mom loved getting us easter baskets. I used to wake up to a basket every year. It was wonderful and I long for those innocent moments of childhood.
The days of baskets of candy and crocheted frills on my socks. A special dress just for the day and then finally the hunt for all the glory.
No one tells you that when you grow up you'll have to look twice as hard for the "eggs", and they also don't tell you that the eggs are sometimes empty.
You may find the egg, but it may be empty, and thats the hardest part.
So, right now in this moment at my age I feel eggless.
My socks have no frills
My basket is empty and I am cold.
I miss my innocence and at times my eyes have seen more than they can handle.
You can't un-see things and you can't un-feel them either.
Growing up sucks and I feel like I should have done it sooner than this but I wasn't ready.
Some days I'm still not.
This may seem sad to you, but its not to me. Its reality and a part of the journey. Its personal to me, not private, but personal.
I'm beginning to think that adulthood is the ultimate adventure.
To that I smile.
Because of that I know that I won't be eggless forever. The basket will fill up for me again someday.
Maybe not with colorful eggs and candy but with other joys and hopefully love.
I'm hopeful most of all for that.
Any kind of love, because after all eggs are eggs and love is love.
Maggie I miss you more than I can say and I cry more than anyone knows because you're gone. Thank you for all those easter baskets.
Where am I going with this?
I don't know, but I now know that I need to go fill up my basket.
I don't need to be Easter Eggless anymore.
