Funeral Cake

Sometimes things don't always go according to plan.
We bite off more than we can chew.
We get a little bit more than we can bargain for.
We take a gamble on something or someone and sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.


I lost.

And I won.

I'm still figuring it out actually. I'm also still trying to figure out how to put it all in words. I still can't and I don't want to try anymore. It's not worth it and now that I got to the bottom of what I always knew was true I realize that it never was.

I probably look like a fool, but my good friend Esperanza says that I'm a gorgeous fool.
I love it and I'll take it.

An ex-friend of mine once yelled at me while he was drunk, he said "Why can't you just enjoy right now and what is? Why do you have to bring up the future and think too much into things!"

I didn't know how to answer him, but after having an already deteriorating situation blow up by way of my finger on the detonator, I can say that it's just who I am.

I keep an eye out for moments or moments with people. I have too, I know that nothing lasts forever and I want to savor what I can.

These moments mean everything to me even if they mean nothing to you. Everyone goes away and things change for a reason.

I never know when it's going to happen, but I try to be prepared for it. It would be criminal of me to not let it happen, to not fall in love with anything, to not try anything new, to not endure what's inevitable. How will I ever learn?

Everybody makes promises they can't keep and everybody has conditions when it comes to accepting things. I have yet to meet anyone who has fully accepted the good and the bad when it comes to me. That's okay, every time this happens I get a little bit smarter.
I have to figure out why it was memorable and why it was bad so I can avoid it next time.

I just want to know why it was memorable.

The same way you do with an amazing dish or meal. Whether it's really good or really bad you will never forget it. You can't help but think about it.

Even if you want to forget about it, you're still thinking about it.

I love to make cake. I love to eat cake and every year for my birthday I want only one thing, a birthday cake with candles so that I can make a wish. My wish is always the same year after year, in one way or another I wish to fall in love with myself.

Just as I have with so many other things that have come and gone in my life.

I might love cake as much as I love macaroni and cheese.

At least I love something.

I enjoy making cakes for people because most people can appreciate the effort that goes into making a beautifully made and decorated cake. As an awakening artist I look at my cakes as something I create rather than just as something I make.

Everyone can be an artist.

Sometimes I think I missed my calling...

An old friend of mine a while ago gave me a compliment. I had made him a cake and after only smelling it he said "Your cake makes my dick hard."

I can appreciate this type of comment, it was the best thing he could've said.

It was my birthday a while back and I felt like I celebrated my birth, died and was reborn all in a matter of days.

It was agony. It was refreshing. It was inevitable.

I'm still not sure where to go from here, but I know that I'm still going and I'm not ready to give up yet.

There were some dark days, they were my fault.

Although, I did think about my death. I though about what it would be like if I died. I wanted to die.
My brain automatically went to food. I though about my funeral and if people would be sad if I was gone. I know they would be, because I'd be sad if I lost you.

And then I asked...Why is there always Birthday Cake, but no Funeral Cake.

I thought about funerals and all the shit food that people bring to them.

Think about it, you're already sad over the loss of a loved one or friend, why would you eat anything they served you at a funeral.
Its awful. It's usually heavy, starchy, greasy and covered in cheese.

Sounds like a dream come true!

Not for me.

I want cake at my funeral, I want you all to eat cake. I want you to indulge in the bittersweet of my death. If you're going to be sad I at least want you eat some amazing cake and know that if I were alive, I would be right there with you.

Make my cake beautiful, for all the times I never felt it. Make it white and layered like a wedding cake, just in case I never get to have one. Fill it with chocolate fudge and vanilla cream because it's my favorite. Make the butter cream layer Swiss because its the best, and please add chocolate covered strawberries to it because they are so simple, yet say so much when you eat them. Cover it in layers of fondant to cover any minor imperfections it may have. Decorate it with hand made red roses for romance.
Lastly put one candle in the top of it for me, and one in your piece.
When you finally get your piece of cake blow out your candle make a wish for yourself because I'm wishing for you too.
I'm wishing that you always find some kind of magic and love in yourself.
I'm wishing that you never give up hope in anything.
I'm wishing that you find the freedom from all the things that are holding you down.
I'm wishing that if anyone makes you feel bad that you can still look past it and see the good in them.
I'm wishing that you learn from everything you can.
And lastly I'm wishing that even if things go bad you can always find a way start over.

That's a lot of wishes.
But there's a lot of me!

This isn't the end, just a minor breakdown.

Sometimes it feels like the end, but it can always be a new beginning.

I'm not saying I'm ready to go, but if I had to go I would want you all to enjoy some...


Funeral Cake.

Love,
Trixie