I'm on the Wagon

Fuck.

I used to love to swear and be completely inappropriate but so many other dickheads and douche bags do it now that they're making it really uncool.  Thanks Jersey Shore.

Lately it seems to be "One of those days" every fucking day.  I do my best to get through them and just keep going.  If its the only option I give myself then that's the only thing that will happen.

Its not a secret that I struggle with my weight.  I always have, and maybe I always will.  But that's my problem, not yours.  I'm working on it.  Its taken me years to realize that the only person who can change your situation is you.  I can't help you, you can't help me.  We have to help ourselves.

I'd pretty much hit my lowest point last year and didn't know if I would ever get back on the ride that is my life.  I'd lost a lot of things and people that were really important to me, and even though I wanted to die, I was still living and the fucking world kept turning.  I had to keep going.

The truth was that I had taken so many positive steps forward to take like one hundred shallow narcissistic steps backwards.  When I didn't know where I was or what to do, I just quit.  I gave up and said fuck it.  I'm gonna go back to the old Lea and back to whats comfortable.

Eighty pounds later I found everything I was running from and when I had to look at it in the mirror I still hated it.

I left Michigan and moved to California to get away from everything and start over.

But, when I got here I was the same.  I still hated what I saw in the mirror.  Only this time I knew why I hated it so much.  I hated because I knew better.  I knew I was better than what I was being.  That flame never left me, it just kind of went to a flicker like a candle that's breathing its last breath.

I was breaking my own heart.

I had already let someone else break my heart, I had had the universe break my heart when I watched my mother leave this earth and now I was still breaking my own heart.  As if I hadn't had enough.

I am the truest glutton you'll ever meet.
I am the purest sinner I can be.

I was singing the same song to a friend of mine over Facebook because things weren't panning out as I had planned on my new adventure.  I was again talking to her about how much weight I had gained and how miserable I was.

She told me about this body challenge she was doing and that she wanted me to think about it.  Then typed this:
Can't stop thinking about you... So this challenge...I don't want to seem like I'm selling you, but I just keep coming back to your passion about healthy food and the power you have to impact soooo many people. This may not be what you were thinking when you dreamed your dream, but I think it is a vehicle that will get you there.

And I thought...Fuck it.  I might as well give it a shot.  I wanted to change, and I wanted to fix the situation that I was in.  I knew I had to quit drinking, I had to stop eating garbage and I had to take control of my health.  I was depressed and it was starting to really show.

So, I did.  I re lit my own flame and I was starting to feel good again.  I was starting to feel like I could make changes and that things didn't have to suck as much as I though they did.

I quit drinking at work with everyone else.  Alcohol does terrible things to me, I can acknowledge it now.  I started eating better and working out again.  I'm feeling better, more in control of myself and who I'd like to be.

People noticed, but they don't really understand my plight and here is why...

I hear these Bitches at work always talking about how they need to lose weight and they're tired of feeling bloated.  They ask me why I'm not drinking and as soon as I tell the why, they immediately project it onto themselves. "Oh, I should do that.  I really need to lose weight."

They say it time and time again and in many different ways.

What they don't understand is that this is who I am, I'm not looking for a quick fix to lose a quick 10 pounds.  I'm not trying to fit into a dress, or impress a man.  Or catch one for that matter.  Fuck that, when I'm ready for him he better be able to keep up with me.

I'm doing this because I want to live.  I watched diabetes, kidney disease, and heart failure kill my mother.  I watched her slowly kill herself.  This is what America is doing, we are slowly killing ourselves.

I have to do this for myself, for my sister, and for my mother.  I want my mothers legacy to live on.  She can still be beautiful, strong, and proud through me.  She can do this through me because she made me.  These are things I don't think she ever felt for herself and when I see her again I want to make sure she saw everything through my eyes.  Because just as I saw her tears, she can see mine.

Today we overcooked a flatbread and we couldn't serve it.  A girl server walked in and said, "well you guys can eat it or but that Bitch up and we'll all eat it."  Then she said "Well, I can't eat it, I shouldn't at least."  She looked at me and she said "I'm on the wagon."
I was immediately insulted, but just smiled at her.  Then she said "I'm on water and diet pills."
I wanted to slap this Bitch.  But, I didn't.  I looked at her and said "diet pills are so bad for you."
She said, "yeah, but they give me lots of energy!"

She left, but I knew that wouldn't be the last of her.

She came back later.  She walked into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry.  I need something to eat, but it has to be healthy.  Like, it can't be fattening, like I need to eat just plain chicken."

The chef and I just stared at her.  We didn't really know what she wanted, she never really said.
I know the effort it takes to eat well when you work in a restaurant.  So, I looked at her and said "Girl, you need to plan for this better."
She immediately got defensive and tried to explain why she had no time to eat or bring her own food to work.
She got mad after that and said "Forget it! I'll just go order food somewhere else."
I called after her and I said "Why don't you just order a salad and add chicken. I can make that for you if you want."

She said okay.  This was my way of trying to make her happy and help her out even though the bitch never really said what she wanted.

Her ticket for her salad came in minutes later and it read

Mixed Green
-ADD CHICKEN
-ADD BACON
-ADD AVOCADO
-VINI

Fucking Wow!  This girl didn't get it and she'll never get me.

This is a lifestyle. This is who I am and who I want to be.  Its a choice I made for myself to be a better version of myself.  This isn't me trying to find a quick fix for right now.  Its me, trying to live my life.

So, I said...Fuck her.  Fuck the look she gave me when she shot her "On the Wagon" comment at me and fuck her for thinking she knows how to do what I do.  She doesn't and may not ever.  And I really don't care, but it reinforced all the things in me that I though were lost never to be seen again.  I've found myself again and I'm going to hold on to it this time.

I'll hold onto it because it's older, wiser, and stronger.  It's me and who I always was.  I just had to get back to it.  My dream was always there and it never went away.  My journey isn't over yet.  I feel like I've only just begun.

So, maybe I am...

On the Wagon

Whatever, the only person I have to worry about falling off is me.

Love,
Lea