Bechamel is a code for FATTY SAUCE!

God Damn IT!

So yesterday I decided that today would be the start of a new way for me. I can't lie, I've been resorting to some old fatty ways and they are consuming me.

By the way....dear best friend/trainer/mentor whatever the Hell you still are...I lied to you. Just getting it out now. I'm not proud. You may never read this, but I was embarrassed so I lied.

I was convinced that it might be my surroundings or my job. Its not, its me. I have the the ability to control how I let things affect me. I have total control of what I put into my body.

You should all know this, you're all smart kids right?
You'd be amazed at how many people are oblivious as to what they are eating on a day to day basis.

As someone who is trained to work with food and now has a degree in nutrition I feel compelled to share some things with you.

I decided that all white foods have to be taken out of my diet. No white flour, white sugar, white potatoes, or white rice. I seriously need to clean up my act. Really, I've been such a bad girl. And not in the "down and dirty way", but the "I would like to disown myself way".
I posted this on facebook. The actual post said:

starting tomorrow I'm swearing off all things white! Well, except for white boys.

Don't anyone ever ask me to give up White Boys. I just can't and there are a lot of White Boys out there that still need me. God wants me to rock their world. And I will, but white foods have gots to go.

I love them more than you do so imagine how hard this is on me.
Well some Fuck-O decided to be funny and he commented on my post.
He wrote: Bechamel?

Really Asshole? Bechamel? Bechamel is just a code for fatty sauce.
I don't eat Bechamel and neither should anyone else. Bechamel is a WHITE Sauce. Its made with butter and white flour and Milk. Then people add cheese and other fatty shit to it to make it taste amazing, but its still high in calories and not good for fatty pants all over the world.

There are signs people, codes all over the food you eat and on the menus of the restaurants we eat at every day.

Now, he didn't mean to be an asshole but I'm an honest Bitch and I live in the moment and I call them how I see them.

It got me thinking, people need to know this. I have to help people...if I don't who will? So here it is....my list of food and menu triggers.

Bechamel is usually a milk or cream based sauce.
Beurre is just French for butter. So if it says beurre by your steak that means its a big fat steak covered in butter sauce. But I'm the asshole, right? No, I'm actually trying to save your life!
Hollandaise is another Bastard of a sauce. Its made with clarified butter and and egg yolks. Its delicious and sexy but its the one you really have to watch out for.
Frites is french for fried. If I have to go on and explain this to you, then you don't deserve to be my friend. I mean really...
Bacon, Pork, Sausage, the poor piggy gets a bad rap. He can't help it that he is one of the fattiest animals on the planet, but he does have some parts of him that are healthier than others.
Poached, poached eggs are great. Olive Oil poached salmon or oil poached potatoes, not so much. That's really just adding unnecessary fat to your food.
Breaded or Crusted means that they are adding some kind of bread crumb or white starch and then probably frying it.
Dressing is another one. Make sure you ask what kind it is. Some Fuck-O's like to add bacon fat and butter to a dressing that could be kept simpler with a healthier oil.
Watch out for the word "Sauce"period. Odds are that it's a mayonnaise, butter, cream, or other dairy based product sauce. Its high in calories and your arteries will thank you later on.

Its not bad to eat these things every now and then, but know what its doing to your body. Know how much you're eating and don't be seduced by the word trickery of someone else.

I'm sure my chef/foodie friends are cursing me right now, but this is important and I can't believe how many people I see day to day eating things they shouldn't. This includes me and lots of other people. I want to tell them and plead with them but I can't. I can only worry about me and currently it's a lot to worry about.

I work at a bakery. I know what its like.

I could go on and on forever but this is the important stuff.

I succeed, I fail, I do it over and over again, but I will never completely give up because I've learned. As long as I keep learning and keep going, I can't see how that's wrong. I'm not perfect, but I do have control of me. I have to remind myself of this before I start to spiral out of control.

The other day I felt like I was done, I was over. I'm not, I have to keep going. I can't forget about all those White Boys who still need me. Ironic huh?


I need them. I need all of you.



We all need each other and now we all know...

Bechamel is a code for FATTY SAUCE!

Fuck It and Good Night!
Trixie

French Fry, Denied.

I often ask myself out loud "Lea when are you ever going to learn?"
I don't know if I ever will and I don't know if I ever want to. Having a good time and making messes and trouble for myself is a lot of work but sometimes I really just do it so I can feel alive you know?
Is it better to feel something even if it hurts or to feel nothing at all?
That seems to have been the question of my life so far...but I hope that that changes soon.
Not to be all serious and depressing but its been a rough year on this girl so far and sometimes its too much for me to handle. It makes me really appreciate the ones around me that keep me going and help me out. I know I'm a lot to handle sometimes and everyone has their own shit to deal with. A lot of people think they really know me, but I don't know if they do.

Sometimes, I don't know who I am.

The one that does have to deal with me and does know me very well if my faithful life companion, my dog Max.
Yes, that little asshole that I complain about so much. He is one of the good things in my life, he's awfully needy and high maintenance, but I don't mind the work.

Max kind of fell in my lap, and he is one of the good things that happened to me last year. Max knows all of my dirty little secrets and he knows how I'm feeling all the time. He needed someone to love him, just like I did. Yes, I said it...........I want someone to love me.
I'm still a tough Bitch, but even tough Bitches like me need to know that someone cares. Anyone who says they don't is a fucking liar.
I realized not that long ago that I am just me. I am not like anyone else nor do I want to be like anyone else. Max understands this and he gets me. He really does.

He's there when I'm sad, he's hiding under the bed when I'm really mad. He even still loves me when I'm hungover, and I couldn't ask for anything more out of him.

He has never called me a loser or made me feel like a failure. He has never made me do anything I don't want to and he has never told me that 'I was no longer needed in his life because I offered him nothing'


The best thing about Max is that he does not judge me. At least I thought he didn't...

Not that long ago I woke up hungover and had to go visit my mom for the day. Visiting my mom is sometimes rough so I was really trying to get it together and focus on the day. It was a long drive and I felt like shit.

The one thing that always makes me feel better after a night of drinking is French Fries. Those imported little fried sticks of gold...wait. They're not imported? And they're not made of gold?

Someone has been lying to me my whole life!

Okay, I'm not retarded, I know that french fries are bad for you, but who are we kidding...they are delicious and I love them.

I gave up french fries a while ago because they are another one of Satan's tricks he uses to woo me back into his arms. He uses chicken fingers too, in case you're wondering.

For me, desperate times call for desperate measures and I was feeling awful. So, I stopped at the nearest dealer named McDonald's and got a quick fix.

I take my dog with me most places. I'm not one of those "dumb-carry-my-pooch-a-purse-hoes" but he is that asshole that likes to stick his head out the window when we go places. So, I take him.

I got my fries, knowing very well that I didn't need them, I know better. I should not have drank so much. I knew damn well that I had to see my mom and this would require a lot of energy. Sorry, I love you mom...but sometimes its work with you.

I reached into that white bag of fresh grease and took out one fry. Grease always helps a hangover and when I feel that bad I will do anything to get rid of it.

I almost dove right in and started eating away, but I remembered Max and thought that I was being an uber fatty. Why hadn't I thought to share with him? What a selfish Fatty I was...

I still had that one fry in my hand and reached over and gave it to Max.

Most dogs would inhale it, but not mine. He's an asshole and he knows he has to keep me in check. He is my mental last resort when everyone else is gone.

It sounds crazy but I often find myself bargaining with the damn dog about stuff.

He looked at the fry, then he looked at me, then he looked away.

He wouldn't even look at me. I have hit fatty rock bottom. I couldn't even turn my dog into an enabler.

That fucking little asshole wouldn't eat the fry I was offering him.

I don't think that little shit machine would have ate if I had cut it up on a silver platter and fed it to him with a knife and fork.

I went crazy in my head because I felt awful. I know what drinking like that does to me and I know that I don't need to eat like that.

I've come to far to go back over a fry.

If this was Max's attempt at an intervention with me it worked.

I got rid of the fries and somehow Max seemed happier with me.

Trying to lose weight isn't easy and I've learned the hard way that you need support. It's almost impossible to do all by yourself. At that time I felt the only one I had was my dog, but I still had myself. In the back of my mind I knew it. It took a moment of crazy and a little shit machine named Max, but I got through it.

Find a few you can trust and hold onto them. If you're a fatty, and I mean fatty at anything whether its eating, drinking, smoking, or just being overall scandalous remember that you have to learn how to trust yourself and what you really want.

And remember my dog Max.

This is what he would say:

French Fry, Denied.

Love,
Trixie

Fuck You Captain Sundae!

It's been a while hasn't it?

Feels like ages since I've had anything valid to share. That's kind of a lie, I've actually had lots happen I just had to get my head back together to figure things out.

I moved out on my own and am trying to adjust to living solo. It's been interesting. The only person that is judging me now is me. I can do whatever I want. Its awesome, and its really bad. I can admit now that the first week I lived on my own I ate really shitty, like pizza and cheap sandwich cookie shitty. I couldn't bring myself to finish them all. I did throw them away before I almost ate them all. I felt awful but there was no one there to tell me no. I thought, what the hell? I have to live with myself and that's why I threw it away.

Fatty needed a fix.

I've readjusted since then and am headed back to a good head space. Nothing is easy and no one pushes me harder than I push myself.

Not that long ago I went to watch one of my employees softball games. It was her first game of the season and I wanted to support her. She keeps me in line, I wanted to see her play. Well we were supposed to go to a place called Pizza Ranch. Well, I being the paranoid Bitch that I am decided it would be a good idea to check out the menu. Here is what it said:

Mile-long Buffet™

How hungry are ya?

It's a spread fit for a cowboy! Dig into our huge selection of Pizza Lover's Pizza®, plus the Country's Best Chicken®, hot mashed taters and gravy, vegetables, salad and potato wedges. Then mosey on over to the dessert pizzas including our famous Cactus Bread®. And fer the little ones, we've got puddin'!

I looked at it and almost lost it. It was like my nightmare come true. My friend was standing next to me while I looked at this menu and he said "Oh no, Lea...I can't even walk in there and if I can't go in there than you really can't." I could have been insulted but he was right. I knew there was absolutely no way I could go in there and remain composed.

I quickly sent a text to my other friend I was going with and told her that I was sorry but I couldn't go to a buffet. She said she understood and told me it was okay. She said "Don't forget to save room for ice cream though!"

Fuck me! I forgot about ice cream after the game. Its not really a night out at a game without ice cream afterward. I really wanted the ice cream too.

Well, if I was gonna have ice cream then I was gonna have to justify it and make it worth it.

I had to plan for something like that. I decided that if I was going to eat ice cream that I would have to be really good that day and not eat anything else. Well, I ate but I had to be careful because I know how many calories are in an ice cream sundae, a lot.

I sent a text to my trainer/mentor/coach/best friend asking him if it was okay if I ate ice cream if I ate nothing else that day, but he was too busy to respond to me, and I needed to get through this one on my own. I'm the independent type and I hate asking him for too much, but that's what I hired him for. That asshole would have told me no anyways, so whatever. If it had been a Grey Goose Martini, he would have said yes though. Just for the record.

It was all good. I had a plan....not eat all day and then have just a little ice cream.

The game was fun and then we headed to a place called Captain Sundae.

It was like ice cream heaven...I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I walked up to look at the menu and expected to see the standard. I was so wrong.

I walked up and saw a menu like a cocktail list. I felt like I was picking a designer martini. It had like 30 different types of ice cream cocktails. They were all themed.

I chose the Salty Dog. I figured that since I liked that drink, I would probably like the sundae.

It had vanilla ice cream; malt powder; chocolate syrup; peanut butter cups; crushed pretzels and whipped cream on top.

Dont forget the cherry.

For a fatty like me...I almost wet myself at the table. I don't know who Captain Sundae was but I wanted him bad. I wanted minutes, hours, days alone with him so I could thank him over and over again.

It was instant euphoria. Really, if I hadn't been in public I would have thrown the ice cream on the floor and rolled around in it...naked. It was cold that day too.

I ate it so fast, it was like I forgot that I was in front of people. I let Captain Sundae take over me and he could have had his way with me right there in front of everyone.

Thank God I don't live in Hudsonville.

Well here it was Father's Day and fatty pants was having a bad day. Apparently I have daddy issues and they would just not go away that day. What a day for them to show up huh?

We all know that girls with daddy issues either end up huge sluts or fatties. Lucky me, I got the best of both worlds. Thanks Daddy!

So, the only thing that I wanted to eat that day was tacos and ice cream, and then I remembered Captain Sundae. That asshole had dug his creamy pretzels under my skin and he wouldn't let go. He was wooing me with peanut butter cups and I didn't want to like it but I did. The only thing that would make Captain Sundae that much better was if he were white and blonde.

Can't help it, its my kryptonite.

Captain Sundae is so good at what he does, it wouldn't matter what he looked like.

So, here I was trying to do anything I could to not think of Captain Sundae! I cleaned, I took my dog to the park, I called my mom. I texted my trainer/mentor/coach/best friend.

I finally sat down in my car listening to my cry baby dog panting like crazy and I realized that I needed to pull it together. I needed to get tough, I needed to be the Bitch that I was. I was not going to give in to Captain Sundae! I thought about it, I thought about driving all the way to Hudsonville so I could see him and have him give me what I wanted, but I didn't.

I turned off my phone, so I could truly be alone and just ride it out. I had to, in the back of my mind I knew I was better than that. I was better than a moment of weakness. I've worked too hard and I wasn't willing to give up. A year ago might have been a different story...

I went home, cooked healthy food and hula hooped for what seemed like an eternity.

I realized that what I needed was to sweat out the crazy. Sweating gets out toxins, and exercise releases endorphins.

The fight between myself and Captain Sundae left me breathless and tired. In the end though I won.

So,

Fuck You Captain Sundae!

Love,

Trixie

Corn Addiction...

I can't help myself sometimes...

I was at home depressed because I had a part of a cookie today, and I shouldn't be but I am. I know I work really hard and I am putting in two hours a day at the gym and I'm beginning to see results again finally but its not enough for me.

I want to be skinny, I want to know what it feels like because I never have and maybe its just a pipe dream, like I'm working at something I'm never gonna get but I can't believe that or I would have to give up.
When you're really big like I was, its hard to eat stuff like cookies in front of people. Its hard to eat anything, I judge myself enough. I don't want to know what everyone else is thinking.

You all have seen me, you know I've worked really hard. I don't want to take any steps backwards, so I feel like I have to be really hard on myself.

I have to believe that at the end of all this, I'm gonna get what I want and hopefully what I deserve. It seems fair right? That damn prize at the end is gonna be awesome, and I'm prepared to work HARD for it.

There has to be something amazing out there for me.

Everyone goes through their shit to get to the good stuff.

Well I've discovered that as you start to change your lifestyle and your eating habits your whole body changes. You start to crave weird things, healthier things than you used to. Then you find out that those potato chips or that cookie you wanted so bad really wasn't a good idea. It will make you feel like crap. My stomach hurts so bad right now I want to throw up. Not because I feel bad for eating it, don't get me wrong...
For me eating a sexy rich buttery cookie is like waking up from a regretful one night stand. Trust me I've done both.
It seems like a really good idea when you want it but later on your like wait, Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. God I hope this doesn't give me diarrhea...?
My stomach feels bad because I just filled it like a whore full of shit that I'm not used to eating anymore. Butter, sugar, chocolate, I can feel it all rolling up my throat.
The only choice is to ride out that bad feeling and deal with what you've done.

So, lately the only thing I've been wanting to eat is Corn. I can't get enough of it...I would take it in the morning, the afternoon, and even in the middle of the night. I wake up wanting it, salivating...I don't get it. Its just Corn. We're all human, and some of us just want a little Corn.
Its healthy to want to Corn, right? I mean, you can try different kinds, and have it different ways until you figure out what you like. Sometimes its even different sizes!
Popcorn, Caramel Corn, and Kettle Corn. Don't forget about the Latina in me who loves her HOminy!
This Food Whore loves it all.
The way I like it best it just plain. Its the right flavor, and it is definitely the right size.
Besides its sugar and starchiness its actually healthy. And, if you buy the frozen corn which I do then its not packed with sodium. I wish it had more protein though............

I want it so bad that I start to feel bad about it. Why, its Corn, its not really that bad for you. Its like fiber and it comes out the shape it went in. It makes me feel full, and it helps get rid of all the crap.
I like everything about it...the smell, the taste, the way it sounds when its in the pan. I don't even mind if it gets a little roughed up! I love the excitement I get as I'm waiting for it to get done....
I can't help it.
Then I get to eat it.

Okay, so its not really a vegetable, but come on...live in the Grey area with me for a minute.
I promise I'll show you a good time.

This really is a good thing. Eating Corn is a good thing because then I feel lighter and I walk a little taller. This is good for fatties, we need any kind of encouragement we can get.

Like High School Girls with low self esteem, we'll take whatever!

So, I finally decided that I had had enough! I was gonna quit corn! No more late night Corn for this Bitch!
No more breakfast Corn, afternoon Corn....NO MORE!
Why did I feel so bad about something so good.....!?
I did though, and I didn't know why.
The other night I came home and Roomie was cooking some Corn. I walked in and I yelled "YOU'RE cooking corn!" She said "yes, and......you can cook some Corn too if you want."
She had no idea how addicted I was to Corn and that I wanted to quit my addiction.
I said "I can't have any Corn, I've been having too much of it lately, I told myself I was gonna slow down. OHHHHH! I WANT SOME THOUGH!!!"
She looked at me like I was crazy and she laughed, she said "its just Corn!"
I said "its too late to eat, I just can't"

I walked away ashamed, and I couldn't explain why because I didn't know why...

I waited about an hour for her to go to bed, and then I went into the kitchen, turned on the stove, pulled the bag out of the freezer and proceeded to cook some Corn.
I seasoned it and put the tiniest smudge of soy butter on it and I ate it.......
I felt guilty, I felt bad....................but it felt so good.
That small bowl of corn was the best bowl I ever ate.

I could never really give it up, especially when it makes me feel so good to fight it so hard.
I can't help it I like the work, I like the hunt and I am enraptured with the final kill.
Its the thrill of the final surrender.
I know what you're thinking...........What...a...Whore...
Its just Corn, and I need to learn how to not be so hard on myself, this is not an easy lifestyle, if it were then everyone would do it.

You can never have too much of a good thing, who cares how sinful it is or isn't, don't worry I "Corn" responsibly.

There is nothing wrong with a little corn....
and so what if it becomes a

Corn Addiction.

Love,
Trixie

Heavy Duty...

Well, it has been just too long hasn't it?
I must apologize for my absence I was caught between the voice of reason(a bitch) and reality(an asshole). It wasn't fun and has been extremely difficult but the war is almost over and it looks like I'm winning.
What am I winning you ask? I got myself back and the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. And I won the freedom to make mistakes and my own choices, to get back to what I know and what I want and the ones that I have missed and make me happy.

Everything is all mine...I take it all, the good and the bad.

I have always said: I am no ones poster child.

I feel the need to share something, sort of like a PSA.

I love people because they amuse me. We say the dumbest shit. I do it myself, just drink with me for one night and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So, I work at a bakery. I've said it before and I will say it again, its really fucking hard to lose weight and control yourself when you have to see it everyday. I'm doing it though and I'm finding success again thanks to the help of a few individuals. I am grateful...

Well at this bakery we make Tuna salad. Well, actually the Retail staff makes it and I hear at least one person a day say "Mayonnaise is so disgusting. I hate it, its got to be like so bad for you. Just listen to it, it even sounds gross." Then they shake the container to you can hear every ounce of fat hitting the sides. They laugh and they think its funny to bitch about it.
I find it really annoying, because people are dumb! We constantly act oblivious and do all the wrong things. We do them even though we know its bad for us.

Well, you know me and I rarely hold my tongue, especially when it comes to food.

I got mad and I finally said "Hey guess what? Mayonnaise is bad for you, look at the fucking label...what does it say? How many calories are in a serving of that shit." The poor retail child stopped what he was doing and looked at the label. He said "Oh my God there is 100 calories per serving!" I said "Thats right, do you even know what is in that gallon sized container of crap that has been touched by Satan?" He said "no" I said "but you eat it right? And you like it? But, then you complain everyday about how gross its got to be....yes?"
He shook his head yes to all of my questions.
I said "see, the problem is that people have no idea of what they put into their bodies until its too late. Then you have to try and fix all the damage you've done."
We do it with food, alcohol, people, feelings all that shit. We allow toxic shit into our lives and bodies.

This poor kid stood silent.

I said "See, the irony of all of this is that the warning is on the label."
He said "I don't see a warning..."
I said "Yes, its right there. It says Heavy Duty. Why would you put anything into your body that says Heavy Duty? You put heavy duty stuff into your car, or a machine. Do not put it into your body."
He looked at me like I had just told him the meaning of life or something.
He said "I never thought of it that way, wow its really, really gross to me now."

Hello?! This isn't new information, mayonnaise especially out of the gallon sized container is not really good for you. Read the label, I can't even pronounce the preservatives.

Don't do it people, don't put anything into your body that says, Heavy Duty or Industrial Strength.
Its not worth it and its no bueno.
Trust me I put enough of that crap in my body for years and now I have to work twice as hard everyone else.

Be smart, make the right decisions for yourself and don't let anyone control what you put into your body. That includes your mind too. There are crazy Bitches out there that will feed you whatever they can to get you to change. But, its not up to them. It is all yours.

Look for the signs and take care of yourself. Don't put too much of anything into your body that says..........

Heavy Duty

And if anyone has a problem with that, you can tell them Trixie said so.

Love
Trixie

Fruity Pebble Meltdown...

Sometimes you have to give in, you have to let go and you realize that you're gonna fall. So, do you try to do it gracefully or just let go and hope you don't eat shit.

I know myself pretty well and I know when I'm about to fall off. I can always feel a breakdown, sometimes I can push it back until I have time to deal with it. Then things happen and make me so angry and they seem to happen so fast that the best thing for me to do is take it out on myself.
I would rather implode in myself, than explode all over you.

I have become self destructive.

I'm not proud of this, but it seems like there is no other way.
This one had been building for a few months now and I could give you specific reasons why, but they're not really important. They're just minor details. Just know that a lot of shit happened all at once, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I know what you're thinking, Shame on you Lea for letting the bullshit of others affect, you're supposed to be stronger than that.

NEWSFLASH: sometimes I'm not, I get exhausted of always trying to handle every situation the right way, so I resort to my old ways of just not giving a shit anymore.

Now, you know as well as I know that for Lea, when things get too bad the first thing her inner fatty bitch runs to is food. So, I did. I had been consuming whatever I wanted for most of March and I'm hoping that April can turn itself around. I had been going out a lot and purposely allowing myself to drink and eat whatever I wanted. I was numbing myself, I know it. I was putting myself through a series of tests to see how I handled each one. It's like trying to brush up on something you used to know really well. I didn't do so well at first, and I had to try and re-learn some stuff.
So, here's the story...

My roomie decided or read somewhere that it was a great idea to go on a fruit fast. I guess it was some kind of three day cleanse. She asked me if I wanted to do it with her, and I said sure, why not. I've done detoxes before and lost lots of weight on them, but the after affects are usually pretty bad. The detox I did way back when says you can only eat fruit and veggies for nine days, so I did and I exercised and I lost 17 pounds. Awesome right, not really because when I was finally done, I was like I'm so hungry now I want a burrito, a pizza, cheesecake, and french fries. My addictive behaviors come back out and they live a life of extremes. I just can't seem to find a happy medium yet, but I'm working on it. I end up gaining 27 pounds back after that detox. Yeah, my metabolism sucks.
So as the frustrations in my life grew I kept rethinking this fruit fast. I decided not to do it. I didn't want to, I was having a hard enough time keeping everything else together that adding this would have just been a big mess.
I also didn't want to do it because my roomies kind of lifestyle is not always for me. Don't get me wrong its great for her, but I'm going through something else and its not right for me right now.
So since she is telling me this is a great idea, I will automatically fight. My defiant ass won't do something, just because someone else is telling me to do it. I know is self destructive and childish, but sometimes it's who I have to be in order to go forward and move on.
I need to go through things and feel them, and then deal with them. So, a couple days before she started this fruit fast some things happened in my life that pushed me over the edge, and I just lost it.
I went to the grocery store because I had no food and I needed something or else I was gonna eat crap all week at other places. I got to the store and tried to get good things, but I couldn't. The only thing I wanted to buy was a fucking box of Fruity Pebbles.

I love Fruity Pebbles. They take me back to my childhood. You know how you get sick on something and you can never eat or drink it again? Not me, I remember being really little at the babysitters and sitting at the table eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I don't know what happened, but all of the sudden I projectile vomited Fruity Pebbles all over myself and the table. Every other child that was at that table ran, and I was left there alone. There sat this chubby little Mexican girl with Fruity Pebbles stuck to her shirt and all over the table. I remember sitting there crying because everyone was so grossed out and nobody would come near me. I hate puking anyways , it freaked me out and I didn't know what to do.
I was sitting there crying covered in Fruity Pebbles still holding the spoon...
Someone eventually came and cleaned me up, but I will never ever forget that moment. You would think that something like that would be enough to scare me away from Fruity Pebbles forever, but it wasn't.

I stood there in the grocery isle staring at Fred Flintstone holding a spoonful of those sweet little colored crisp rice pieces. It was like he was taunting me, he was even smiling at me, the bastard. I even tried to reason with myself by reading the box. Fruity Pebbles are only 120 calories per serving but each serving has 11 grams of sugar. On the up side, they are gluten free and the box states: "Rocks Your Whole Mouth!"
I gave in, I even bought the family size box. I didn't do it to be spiteful. I did it because I had no fight left in me at the time and I couldn't deal with anything. Fruity Pebbles make me happy, damn it! They are the complete opposite of what I should be eating.
It only took me a few days to finish that box. Every time I poured myself a bowl I felt bad about it. Not just about eating this sugary cereal that I didn't need, but everything else in between. I also didn't just pour one bowl or a small bowl, I had multiple large bowls of this cereal. I knew that I shouldn't have and I knew that I should just throw away the box before I finish it, but I couldn't. I kept eating and eating. I didn't even feel good after I ate them. I let the inner fatty Bitch takeover. That whore was winning.
I had finally had the worst day at work ever, and things at home had gotten pretty crappy. I hadn't been to the gym in almost a week, and I couldn't bring myself to go. The only thing I could think of was Fruity Pebbles. I wanted them. My inner fatty was angry and frustrated and I had lost control of her.
I had let all the other things happening around me get bigger than what they needed to. I was finally at a point that I had to have a meltdown.
So I did. I came home that day and poured myself what I thought was the last bowl and started eating it alone in my room. Then it hit me, I started crying again because I knew that all these crazy feelings I had had in my head weren't me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I didn't want roomies lifestyle, but I didn't want the one I was choosing either. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, but don't think I didn't keep eating, because I did. In between sobs I managed to stuff spoonfuls of Fruity Pebbles into my mouth. I'm really surprised I didn't choke.
Yes, I am a bonafide fatty.
I put the bowl down and glanced at the box that I had taken in my room with me. I looked at that asshole Fred Flintstone on the box and kicked him in the face.
I stomped on the Fruity Pebble box. I smashed it, I started to rip it up and the plastic bag that was in it fell out spilling Fruity Pebbles all over my floor.

Fred Flintstone was no longer smiling at me. Fuck You Fred Flintstone, and you're Fucking pebbles.
At that Point, I knew the meltdown was almost over and it would only take a day or so to recover. If I wanted to go back to myself and the way I was it was only a choice. I could make it anytime I wanted to, and no one around me could affect it. I knew it now.
I understood, and I felt ready to move on from this sludge I felt stuck in. I wasn't falling off anymore, and I only had to be as stuck as I wanted to be. I was no longer willing to give any of my energy to anyone who didn't appreciate it or deserve it.

Things started to look up, and roomie and I finally spoke to each other. Things at work got better and I finally made it back to the gym.

Roomie and I finally chatted before I went out last night and it was fine. She did look at me and finally ask "What was with the Fruity Pebbles in our house?"
I looked at her and said "I was wondering when you would ask me about those?"

I looked at her and said "I had a meltdown this week."

A Fruity Pebble Meltdown

Love,
Lea/Trixie

Spit it Out...

I just woke up and am probably still drunk.

What did I do last night? Nothing too crazy, or dramatic...I don't think. I honestly don't know, but I know I woke up earlier this morning in front of the toilet in a t-shirt and undies.

Yes, I've been told before... I'm a Classy Bitch!

Anyways, sorry roomie, hope I didn't make a mess. My roomie also tells me that I need to celebrate the small victories in my life and appreciate the now. She tells me I focus too much on the end goal that I am missing out on a lot of stuff right now. I try really hard to listen to her, but where I'm at right now still feels like no where. I'm not satisfied, yet. Whatever validation I'm searching for or have been searching for isn't there yet. So, I keep looking for it, and looking for it and keep praying that someday I'll find it and this void will be gone. Until then I keep living my life by trial and error with people. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just end up with a lot of shit stories of the things that I did.
I feel like I made a mess of last night though, but I'm gonna look at it like this...

1. I know I got upset for a stupid reason,The reason will reveal itself in due time. Don't worry trolls, eventually I'm gonna let everyone know the truth when I finish my book. Until then I just keep shoving it away except every now and then when let a little slip out. Fuck! Bad Lea! I'm just such a horrible liar!
2. I know I was drunk and the friend I was hanging out with knows I'm sometimes crazy. Whatever its the latina in me.
3. My friend and I have always forgiven each other for the shit we do to each other when we're drunk. So, I'm gonna hope on that one.
4. I could go back through and look at the text messages to figure out what happened but I'm not ready to do that yet. I know I sent some crap to a few people last night. Low self esteem will do wonders for you when you're drunk!
5. I ate fairly well yesterday and when I came home upset I did not eat anything.


Did you hear that suckers?????????????????? Nothing! I did however drink a lot...
So much that I just had to give up and pass out because I really didn't know what to do anymore. I tried to sleep, but that didn't last very long. The spins set in and the roll of heat came over me and I made it the bathroom just in time. I also fell asleep on the floor....
It's funny, you can laugh at me, I am.
Which brings me to puking...I hate it, its gross and I don't know how anyone could be bulimic. I know I make jokes about being bulimic, having prolimia (ask Paul Star or Jamie Hance what it is), anorexia, or manorexia. It's just a joke, because I know what its like to struggle. Don't think I don't have issues with food or that I don't I relapse all the time, because I do. I want it everyday, and I want it bad. I'm a binge eater and that is just as bad.
I will wait until no one is watching.
At least, I think no one is watching...but someone is always watching.
Last week I had to make these special Braided Danishes for Easter. I had to make four different kinds. I made an apple one, a chocolate one, and the last two had to be bullshit ones. They were raspberry and cream cheese, and strawberry and cream cheese.
Cream cheese is like crack to me. One little hit and I'm done, I'm twitching in a corner with my eyes rolling backwards alone...
Why Satan, why?
Well, they kind of turned out and they kind of didn't, but they sat there for a whole day before I could cut them up and try them out. Everyone kept asking me, "Lea, when do we get to eat that? Lea, when, When, WHEN?!" They all wanted it as bad as I did.
I told everyone I would let them eat them after I showed the owners, my bosses and got their input. Its my job, they ask and I produce. Unfortunately for me its food, and if they don't like it the first time, I have to keep remaking it until they are satisfied.

Well, son of a Bitch...they liked them. They only need a little bit of tweaking, but next week I'm going to kill it when I remake them. I will have to try them again, and I'm gonna hate it but I don't have to swallow it. Just taste it, and spit it out. That is what I do with most of the stuff I have to try there. I have to! Everyone gets grossed out, but its what I gotta do. I wish I didn't even have to taste it.
They sat out all day and everyone kept eating it. It was torture, I kept moving the tray of the cut up pieces away from my work space but somehow some asshole would move them back. My assistant tries to keep me strong. She will move the scraps away from me without my having to ask her. If she sees me go for something, she'll say "Don't eat all of that, you know you don't want to!" She gets me, and she knows when to back off and when to check me. Well, that bitch left for the day!
I was on my way out the door to go get some lunch and it hit me. I was hungry and I couldn't fight the danish anymore. I cut a piece, just to hold me over until I got some real food.

I honestly thought I could get away with it because everyone who normally checks me was gone. No roomie, no chorizito(if you're smart you can figure out who that is), no awesome assistant. Everyone still there that day could have cared less if I ate the whole thing or not. I was in mid chew when I heard someone call my name.
It was the damn Retail Manager, another good friend who has seen me at my biggest and actually teared up the other day as he told me he was proud of me for changing my life. I don't like to tell him, but I sometimes give a shit about him.
He said, "Lea?" And then he gave me the come over here nod, he was rinsing dishes, so he had his hands full.
I turned around, still in mid chew not even thinking about what was in my mouth and I said, "What?"
He looked at me and then he nodded to the trash can, he didn't really have to say anything. I knew it right then at that second. He looked at me and said "Spit it out."
I had been caught and I was ashamed. I felt so bad and it got even worse because I had started to swallow. I spit out this giant lump of masticated danish into the trash and tried to gag up the little bit I swallowed. It wasn't working though, I could still feel the lump in my throat. So I took a huge swig of water and half swallowed it, and finally I threw it up. It was like he had reached down my throat and pulled the demons out of me, like an exorcism. The girl behind me said "Oh my God, I can't believe you just made her do that! I don't think I could do that, Gross!" It was fine because, I needed someone to do that. I stood there rinsing out my mouth over the trash can and I said quietly with a smile on my face "I fucking hate you right now." He said "but you love me a little bit too."
I was thankful for that moment because I needed that to happen. I didn't want that danish in my body. It was truly a religious experience and I needed someone to try and cleanse me, because this fatty bitch fell off. I know when I'm too close to the dark side and sometimes I can't save myself.
We put a lot of crap in our mouths, and our bodies. Physically, and mentally sometimes we need to be told to spit it out. We don't want to hold on to anything that could sabotage us or keep us down.
I often feel like no one is around or that no one cares anymore. But that's not it, people are people and they have their own shit to deal with. My friends are still there, they just can't be there all the time, but that doesn't mean they stopped believing in me.
I need to relearn how to believe in myself.
Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore and I want to give up. Is it worth it anymore? Am I ever going to get there? Am I ever going to get what I want or is it all just a pipe dream? "Is the juice worth the squeeze?"
Yes...I would rather die trying, than give up on myself or any of you. People will believe in you if you let them, even when you don't believe in yourself.
Until then I'm learning to enjoy the time I have right now, because I know there is something amazing for me ahead...and I'm willing to do the work and to wait!
So whatever you're dealing with just listen when someone says....

Spit it out.

Love,
Lea/Trixie
P.S. Don't ever swallow...