Spit it Out...

I just woke up and am probably still drunk.

What did I do last night? Nothing too crazy, or dramatic...I don't think. I honestly don't know, but I know I woke up earlier this morning in front of the toilet in a t-shirt and undies.

Yes, I've been told before... I'm a Classy Bitch!

Anyways, sorry roomie, hope I didn't make a mess. My roomie also tells me that I need to celebrate the small victories in my life and appreciate the now. She tells me I focus too much on the end goal that I am missing out on a lot of stuff right now. I try really hard to listen to her, but where I'm at right now still feels like no where. I'm not satisfied, yet. Whatever validation I'm searching for or have been searching for isn't there yet. So, I keep looking for it, and looking for it and keep praying that someday I'll find it and this void will be gone. Until then I keep living my life by trial and error with people. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just end up with a lot of shit stories of the things that I did.
I feel like I made a mess of last night though, but I'm gonna look at it like this...

1. I know I got upset for a stupid reason,The reason will reveal itself in due time. Don't worry trolls, eventually I'm gonna let everyone know the truth when I finish my book. Until then I just keep shoving it away except every now and then when let a little slip out. Fuck! Bad Lea! I'm just such a horrible liar!
2. I know I was drunk and the friend I was hanging out with knows I'm sometimes crazy. Whatever its the latina in me.
3. My friend and I have always forgiven each other for the shit we do to each other when we're drunk. So, I'm gonna hope on that one.
4. I could go back through and look at the text messages to figure out what happened but I'm not ready to do that yet. I know I sent some crap to a few people last night. Low self esteem will do wonders for you when you're drunk!
5. I ate fairly well yesterday and when I came home upset I did not eat anything.


Did you hear that suckers?????????????????? Nothing! I did however drink a lot...
So much that I just had to give up and pass out because I really didn't know what to do anymore. I tried to sleep, but that didn't last very long. The spins set in and the roll of heat came over me and I made it the bathroom just in time. I also fell asleep on the floor....
It's funny, you can laugh at me, I am.
Which brings me to puking...I hate it, its gross and I don't know how anyone could be bulimic. I know I make jokes about being bulimic, having prolimia (ask Paul Star or Jamie Hance what it is), anorexia, or manorexia. It's just a joke, because I know what its like to struggle. Don't think I don't have issues with food or that I don't I relapse all the time, because I do. I want it everyday, and I want it bad. I'm a binge eater and that is just as bad.
I will wait until no one is watching.
At least, I think no one is watching...but someone is always watching.
Last week I had to make these special Braided Danishes for Easter. I had to make four different kinds. I made an apple one, a chocolate one, and the last two had to be bullshit ones. They were raspberry and cream cheese, and strawberry and cream cheese.
Cream cheese is like crack to me. One little hit and I'm done, I'm twitching in a corner with my eyes rolling backwards alone...
Why Satan, why?
Well, they kind of turned out and they kind of didn't, but they sat there for a whole day before I could cut them up and try them out. Everyone kept asking me, "Lea, when do we get to eat that? Lea, when, When, WHEN?!" They all wanted it as bad as I did.
I told everyone I would let them eat them after I showed the owners, my bosses and got their input. Its my job, they ask and I produce. Unfortunately for me its food, and if they don't like it the first time, I have to keep remaking it until they are satisfied.

Well, son of a Bitch...they liked them. They only need a little bit of tweaking, but next week I'm going to kill it when I remake them. I will have to try them again, and I'm gonna hate it but I don't have to swallow it. Just taste it, and spit it out. That is what I do with most of the stuff I have to try there. I have to! Everyone gets grossed out, but its what I gotta do. I wish I didn't even have to taste it.
They sat out all day and everyone kept eating it. It was torture, I kept moving the tray of the cut up pieces away from my work space but somehow some asshole would move them back. My assistant tries to keep me strong. She will move the scraps away from me without my having to ask her. If she sees me go for something, she'll say "Don't eat all of that, you know you don't want to!" She gets me, and she knows when to back off and when to check me. Well, that bitch left for the day!
I was on my way out the door to go get some lunch and it hit me. I was hungry and I couldn't fight the danish anymore. I cut a piece, just to hold me over until I got some real food.

I honestly thought I could get away with it because everyone who normally checks me was gone. No roomie, no chorizito(if you're smart you can figure out who that is), no awesome assistant. Everyone still there that day could have cared less if I ate the whole thing or not. I was in mid chew when I heard someone call my name.
It was the damn Retail Manager, another good friend who has seen me at my biggest and actually teared up the other day as he told me he was proud of me for changing my life. I don't like to tell him, but I sometimes give a shit about him.
He said, "Lea?" And then he gave me the come over here nod, he was rinsing dishes, so he had his hands full.
I turned around, still in mid chew not even thinking about what was in my mouth and I said, "What?"
He looked at me and then he nodded to the trash can, he didn't really have to say anything. I knew it right then at that second. He looked at me and said "Spit it out."
I had been caught and I was ashamed. I felt so bad and it got even worse because I had started to swallow. I spit out this giant lump of masticated danish into the trash and tried to gag up the little bit I swallowed. It wasn't working though, I could still feel the lump in my throat. So I took a huge swig of water and half swallowed it, and finally I threw it up. It was like he had reached down my throat and pulled the demons out of me, like an exorcism. The girl behind me said "Oh my God, I can't believe you just made her do that! I don't think I could do that, Gross!" It was fine because, I needed someone to do that. I stood there rinsing out my mouth over the trash can and I said quietly with a smile on my face "I fucking hate you right now." He said "but you love me a little bit too."
I was thankful for that moment because I needed that to happen. I didn't want that danish in my body. It was truly a religious experience and I needed someone to try and cleanse me, because this fatty bitch fell off. I know when I'm too close to the dark side and sometimes I can't save myself.
We put a lot of crap in our mouths, and our bodies. Physically, and mentally sometimes we need to be told to spit it out. We don't want to hold on to anything that could sabotage us or keep us down.
I often feel like no one is around or that no one cares anymore. But that's not it, people are people and they have their own shit to deal with. My friends are still there, they just can't be there all the time, but that doesn't mean they stopped believing in me.
I need to relearn how to believe in myself.
Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore and I want to give up. Is it worth it anymore? Am I ever going to get there? Am I ever going to get what I want or is it all just a pipe dream? "Is the juice worth the squeeze?"
Yes...I would rather die trying, than give up on myself or any of you. People will believe in you if you let them, even when you don't believe in yourself.
Until then I'm learning to enjoy the time I have right now, because I know there is something amazing for me ahead...and I'm willing to do the work and to wait!
So whatever you're dealing with just listen when someone says....

Spit it out.

Love,
Lea/Trixie
P.S. Don't ever swallow...