I was hungry for White Boy...

Someone the other day was talking to me about my blog and he said "I'm surprised you put some of the stuff in you do, I'd be embarrassed."

I am, but there's that shitty cliche, "The truth shall set you free"
I know the past is the past, and the present is right now and all that shit. I don't have to explain the past, its mine and eventually I will let you in, but whats happening right now is more important.

If you really want to know it all, I'll tell you.

I know, I know. Lea, stop don't get all self helpy. People don't want to be helped, they want to be rescued before its too late. That's when the desperation sets in. There are also those that don't want to be helped at all, you just have to be there when they get through it. I know both of these people, personally.

I know I've said it before but boredom can get the best of me. It gets hard trying to figure out how to deal with yourself when you get so bored with everything. So, I cling and hold on to the things that keep me going the most. Whatever, whoever it is I'll take it. But I hold on to it so tight that I eventually smother it. Murder, death, kill...

Its a token Lea move, don't ask me why I do it or any of the things I do. I just do, and not you nor anyone else can change me until I'm ready to.

People have to learn how to help themselves.
That's what I'm doing...I've been liberating myself one mistake at a time.
My guitar teacher once told me: "We keep making the same mistakes over and over again because we are so desperate to fill a void in ourselves that we don't know we're doing it."
Sometimes I think my guitar teacher can be a Prick, but I guess it works for me.

I'm just a professional mess maker! I wish I could get paid for this shit.

I do really good for a while, and then things get too good and the fatty in me come out and that crazy Bitch has to ruin everything.
She can't have just a little, she has to have it all!
Whether its the cake, the booze, or the boy in this case. I will over do it...
I'm really trying to not do it so much anymore but every now and then it sneaks up on me. Things get good and then I fuck them up.

Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just not ready, even though I want it so bad.

Which brings me finally to the story I wanted to share with you...
I was at work a while ago and I am constantly surrounded by white starchy things I can't have. Notice I said can't, I've worked too hard to allow myself to have them anymore. I know its unhealthy behavior to think this way, but I think my past is unhealthier.
Anyways, I see white bread all damn day! French, Sourdough, Foccacia, and all the white pastry and cookies you can think.
The smell of fresh bread coming out of an oven is enough to make me puddle on the floor. Its overwhelming for me and it makes my job tough every single day. I ask myself all the time why I left my last job and took this one, but I know the reason. I also knew it was gonna be tough and if you know me, you'll already know that I don't make anything easy on myself.
Again, don't ask why. I don't fucking know.

Things are easier said than done...

Its like I'm shitting cliches today.

Sorry, I was at work and I was babbling to myself, and what I wanted to say was "God I'm hungry for white bread." What I actually said was "God I'm hungry for white boy."
Yes, I said it out loud and some people heard me. I laughed until I almost puked and then I ran to grab my phone to call an infamous white boy I know because I hadn't talked to him in a while and I missed him.

He was the only one that I knew could appreciate the shit that comes out of my mouth.
I told him what I had said and he laughed at me. It was good to talk to him, and I was happy to hear that he was okay. And yes, I missed him, probably more than he missed me.

It was about two weeks later that I saw him, and I actually got to hang out with him. We drank, we danced and we having a good time, then I had to fuck it up.

As I went to say goodbye I hugged him, and I said something very important to him and then...I bit him. I have no idea why I did it, but I did. I actually bit him, and I think it was on the neck. Who does that? I do, I guess. I bit him and his first reaction was to hit me, which he did. He hit me on the side of the face. He probably doesn't remember hitting me, but its okay. I'm sure I had it coming....
I have to laugh about it now because it's a little funny. NO, it's a lot funny!
I saw him outside of the bar, and he wasn't really mad at me, but he said "the bite, no me gusta. No bueno." I said I was sorry, and then I felt really bad.
We talked about something else for a minute and then I said something else that pissed him off, and he finally walked away mad.
I was upset. The other friend who was with me told me not to worry about it. She said "you were both drunk, let it go. He might not even remember it."

I would remember it though, I would remember the disappointment I saw in his face when he looked at me. I would remember how I made him mad, so mad he hit me. I had to deal with the feeling I had as he walked away from me pissed off. That knowing in my head that I had fucked up again. My obnoxious behavior had once again poisoned a situation like a bleach cocktail.

It was like I had eaten the whole cheesecake even though I said I was only going to have a bite. I felt like I failed again, and now I had to go home and figure out how to make it better.
The old Lea would go to the closest fast food place and get french fries, because I love them with lots of high fructose corn syrup (ketchup). Then I thought about going to the store to get pizza, because pizza makes me incredibly happy, even the shitty frozen kind. I'm not real picky when it comes to pizza. Okay that's a lie, but when I need a fix I'm willing to settle. And at that point in time I needed a fix to help me forget about what I had done. Then I thought about going to the gas station to get potato chips. Whoever invented potato chips can go to hell and sit next to me, because I love you and would do absolutely anything you want.
No really if George Crum were still alive he could have all the tug-jobs he wanted, because that is how much I love potato chips.

I didn't though, I didn't get any fast food. I didn't go to the store, or the gas station. I didn't even come home and try to secretly eat in the kitchen so my roomie doesn't hear me. She says she doesn't judge me, but sometimes I think she does. I project my judgment onto everyone else. Its my catholic guilt, I feel like I am always doing something wrong.

I came home, I sat on the couch, and I said to myself "Lea, you are going to have to deal with yourself this time. You are going to have to learn how to deal with this feeling, not do it again, and not try to make it go away with food."
I had to try and learn from this one. This mistake was important, it was so important because I realized that I fucked up and I was strong enough to to deal with it and not try to comfort myself with something else...whether it be food, alcohol, drugs or people. All of my vices were uninvited for the night and it was just me.
Its frightening sometimes to be just by yourself, it is for me anyways.
I did it though, and I realized for a minute that I had grown, I had learned and I've changed. I had successfully made an attempt to change my life.

I was never going to be the same.

As for the white boy I bit, well he wasn't mad, probably annoyed more than anything. He knows that I was drunk, and how important he is. I could never do anything legitimately harmful to him.
What can I say, I called his ass and warned him already. I guess I wasn't kidding.

I was hungry for White Boy...

Love,
Lea/Trixie