Everybody wants a Blow Job!

Well, here I am again...I've managed to not only shock everyone around me but I think I have finally topped myself. You'll have to ask last night about that one, but the events did spark the desire to tell you this one...

If you didn't know I used to be huge. I'm still big, but not like I was, and fuck all of the friends who didn't tell me this sooner. Chubby, Pleasantly Plump, big boned, its all bullshit! We all know the truth, but I'm willing to say it.
We know what we think when we see the overweight lady hunched over a shopping cart because she is so big that she can't put too much pressure on her poor overworked feet. And the fatty in the amigo cart with a fucking oxygen tank! It makes me angry and one day I swore that that would never be me. I did not want to end up the sad, saggy, lonely fatty hunched over a shopping cart full of processed food. Oh that lady at the store makes me so angry, you can tell she does not even know what exercise is because her ass is so big.
I know what you're thinking, Lea, your ass is huge how can you say this about someone else you don't even know. Easy, I'm an honest BITCH! I call them how I see them.

I have ghetto booty, and people love it.

I refuse to go out like that though, never. I don't know what lies in the end of all this for me, but when I do go its going to be epic. Remember that.

I was miserable for a very long time and yes I wanted to kill myself. If I could have suffocated myself with food and not eaten my way out of it I would have. You could say that all fatties are just killing themselves with food anyways, right? I was, and someone finally made me realize I had to change. I knew this all along, but I got too comfortable with the way things were that I never saw how they could be. I still can't grasp how far I've come and the opportunities that lie ahead of me. I get into my own head too much and sometimes its too hard to get out.

So I started making small changes to my life. I started working out first, because I knew that trying to exercise would be the hardest. It was, it was also the most intimidating. I blocked out everyone around me so that I didn't have any distractions, or negativity bringing me down. I can bring myself down all by myself thank you very much. Then I had to change how I ate. I had to look at the crap I was putting into my body and stop.
Little by little everyone started to notice and then one by one the ones that wanted to started following my lead and changing their lives too. I was so thankful for all of them, for noticing, for wanting to be better versions of themselves. They were inspiring me to work so much harder. I didn't want to let any of them down. It wasn't hundreds of people or anything, but it was just the few that mattered the most. I wanted to keep them around forever and never let go.

Then there were the others, the ones who enable you to drink, eat shitty, and generally make you feel like shit even though they have no idea they are doing it. Yes, I have plenty of those in my life. That doesn't mean I love them any less, because I do. I love everyone...

So I had this friend that I eventually lived with. Good friend, and has always been there for me. We've known each other a very long time. He used to pick on me when I would cook food. I remember one day he told me "your food is boring. its all really bland, I could never eat plain oatmeal or plain egg whites. I gotta have some flavor or a little fat."
Guess what asshole, this is how people who care about their bodies eat. This is how athletes eat, and this is how I have to eat in order try and make my life better. I would like to see you try it.
But he couldn't, he always had an excuse. He would say "I have no time, I'm too tired. I only have to lose an extra 15 to 20 pounds anyways. I'll start tomorrow."

And then one day a miracle happened, Satan works in mysterious ways...my dear friend tried on a shirt and he walked out and he said "I think its too tight."
I just looked at him and tried to figure out what to say to him. The shirt was so tight that the buttons were popping open. It was obviously too small and it was just sad.
I said "how old is that?" He said, "I just bought it last year and I've only worn it like twice. These shirts are expensive and I hate to get rid of it. Guess its time for me to go on that diet." We laughed and I smiled at him and said "its okay, you can do it. I'm here for you."
I felt good for a minute, I thought I had gotten through to him, the only thing I have ever wanted for everyone is to just take care of themselves.
Like I said I felt good for about a minute. See everything with this friend felt like a competition. So, eventually he was going to be able to do everything better than me. Eat better, run faster, and buy better clothes. I always felt inadequate, and I hated it. Things came so easily to him, and it seemed like he was gonna lose those 15-20 pounds by just changing what he ate. I on the other hand still had so much left to lose. I was gonna have to work, sweat, and fight twice as hard. I had to be more disciplined, and I hated it. It seemed unfair.
Its not easy. It never will be, so don't tell me that it is.
After he started running, and eating better he looked good. He felt better and he slimmed down a lot. I was happy for him, really I was!
He said, "You, know what? I thought this was going to be hard, but its not. One week and I don't even want any bad food. I smell the french fries at work and it makes me sick, I don't even want to eat them. I don't crave any of that bad food at all!"
At that moment I was so angry because I was tired. Tired of working harder than everyone else, tired of listening to my own pathetic excuses, and tired of listening to this Bitch tell me it was easy. This piece of shit took everything that I was working so hard for and shit all over it. He cheapened everything I was doing and he took away my luster. I shouldn't have let him, but I did.
I felt like my hard work meant nothing.

I lost it, I turned around and I looked at him lounging in his stupid recliner and I said "Do not sit there and tell me you don't crave french fries!" He argued with me "what? I don't, its true. I don't want any bad food, its disgusting!" I got angrier and I said "you're a fucking liar, you telling me you don't want any bad food is like saying you don't want a Blow Job! Everybody wants a Blow Job. I want a Blow Job right now and I don't even have a penis!"
He looked at me and it took me a second to calm down. Then we both laughed and he said "Did you really just say that?" I took a deep breath and said "yes, I think I'm just hungry or something. I'm sorry but you were frustrating me." He said, "Why don't you go eat something before you really lose it."
I ate something, I'm sure I didn't enjoy it because I was still so angry.

No one is perfect, and we all have to work really hard for the things we want. Once you do something its yours, you own it and no one can take it away. Its okay to indulge in those guilty pleasures every now and then. Everyone needs a little dirty deed in their lives sometimes. So get you some, just don't pretend like you don't want it, because I don't care who you are...

Everybody wants a Blow Job...

Love,
Lea/Trixie