Fruity Pebble Meltdown...

Sometimes you have to give in, you have to let go and you realize that you're gonna fall. So, do you try to do it gracefully or just let go and hope you don't eat shit.

I know myself pretty well and I know when I'm about to fall off. I can always feel a breakdown, sometimes I can push it back until I have time to deal with it. Then things happen and make me so angry and they seem to happen so fast that the best thing for me to do is take it out on myself.
I would rather implode in myself, than explode all over you.

I have become self destructive.

I'm not proud of this, but it seems like there is no other way.
This one had been building for a few months now and I could give you specific reasons why, but they're not really important. They're just minor details. Just know that a lot of shit happened all at once, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I know what you're thinking, Shame on you Lea for letting the bullshit of others affect, you're supposed to be stronger than that.

NEWSFLASH: sometimes I'm not, I get exhausted of always trying to handle every situation the right way, so I resort to my old ways of just not giving a shit anymore.

Now, you know as well as I know that for Lea, when things get too bad the first thing her inner fatty bitch runs to is food. So, I did. I had been consuming whatever I wanted for most of March and I'm hoping that April can turn itself around. I had been going out a lot and purposely allowing myself to drink and eat whatever I wanted. I was numbing myself, I know it. I was putting myself through a series of tests to see how I handled each one. It's like trying to brush up on something you used to know really well. I didn't do so well at first, and I had to try and re-learn some stuff.
So, here's the story...

My roomie decided or read somewhere that it was a great idea to go on a fruit fast. I guess it was some kind of three day cleanse. She asked me if I wanted to do it with her, and I said sure, why not. I've done detoxes before and lost lots of weight on them, but the after affects are usually pretty bad. The detox I did way back when says you can only eat fruit and veggies for nine days, so I did and I exercised and I lost 17 pounds. Awesome right, not really because when I was finally done, I was like I'm so hungry now I want a burrito, a pizza, cheesecake, and french fries. My addictive behaviors come back out and they live a life of extremes. I just can't seem to find a happy medium yet, but I'm working on it. I end up gaining 27 pounds back after that detox. Yeah, my metabolism sucks.
So as the frustrations in my life grew I kept rethinking this fruit fast. I decided not to do it. I didn't want to, I was having a hard enough time keeping everything else together that adding this would have just been a big mess.
I also didn't want to do it because my roomies kind of lifestyle is not always for me. Don't get me wrong its great for her, but I'm going through something else and its not right for me right now.
So since she is telling me this is a great idea, I will automatically fight. My defiant ass won't do something, just because someone else is telling me to do it. I know is self destructive and childish, but sometimes it's who I have to be in order to go forward and move on.
I need to go through things and feel them, and then deal with them. So, a couple days before she started this fruit fast some things happened in my life that pushed me over the edge, and I just lost it.
I went to the grocery store because I had no food and I needed something or else I was gonna eat crap all week at other places. I got to the store and tried to get good things, but I couldn't. The only thing I wanted to buy was a fucking box of Fruity Pebbles.

I love Fruity Pebbles. They take me back to my childhood. You know how you get sick on something and you can never eat or drink it again? Not me, I remember being really little at the babysitters and sitting at the table eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I don't know what happened, but all of the sudden I projectile vomited Fruity Pebbles all over myself and the table. Every other child that was at that table ran, and I was left there alone. There sat this chubby little Mexican girl with Fruity Pebbles stuck to her shirt and all over the table. I remember sitting there crying because everyone was so grossed out and nobody would come near me. I hate puking anyways , it freaked me out and I didn't know what to do.
I was sitting there crying covered in Fruity Pebbles still holding the spoon...
Someone eventually came and cleaned me up, but I will never ever forget that moment. You would think that something like that would be enough to scare me away from Fruity Pebbles forever, but it wasn't.

I stood there in the grocery isle staring at Fred Flintstone holding a spoonful of those sweet little colored crisp rice pieces. It was like he was taunting me, he was even smiling at me, the bastard. I even tried to reason with myself by reading the box. Fruity Pebbles are only 120 calories per serving but each serving has 11 grams of sugar. On the up side, they are gluten free and the box states: "Rocks Your Whole Mouth!"
I gave in, I even bought the family size box. I didn't do it to be spiteful. I did it because I had no fight left in me at the time and I couldn't deal with anything. Fruity Pebbles make me happy, damn it! They are the complete opposite of what I should be eating.
It only took me a few days to finish that box. Every time I poured myself a bowl I felt bad about it. Not just about eating this sugary cereal that I didn't need, but everything else in between. I also didn't just pour one bowl or a small bowl, I had multiple large bowls of this cereal. I knew that I shouldn't have and I knew that I should just throw away the box before I finish it, but I couldn't. I kept eating and eating. I didn't even feel good after I ate them. I let the inner fatty Bitch takeover. That whore was winning.
I had finally had the worst day at work ever, and things at home had gotten pretty crappy. I hadn't been to the gym in almost a week, and I couldn't bring myself to go. The only thing I could think of was Fruity Pebbles. I wanted them. My inner fatty was angry and frustrated and I had lost control of her.
I had let all the other things happening around me get bigger than what they needed to. I was finally at a point that I had to have a meltdown.
So I did. I came home that day and poured myself what I thought was the last bowl and started eating it alone in my room. Then it hit me, I started crying again because I knew that all these crazy feelings I had had in my head weren't me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I didn't want roomies lifestyle, but I didn't want the one I was choosing either. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, but don't think I didn't keep eating, because I did. In between sobs I managed to stuff spoonfuls of Fruity Pebbles into my mouth. I'm really surprised I didn't choke.
Yes, I am a bonafide fatty.
I put the bowl down and glanced at the box that I had taken in my room with me. I looked at that asshole Fred Flintstone on the box and kicked him in the face.
I stomped on the Fruity Pebble box. I smashed it, I started to rip it up and the plastic bag that was in it fell out spilling Fruity Pebbles all over my floor.

Fred Flintstone was no longer smiling at me. Fuck You Fred Flintstone, and you're Fucking pebbles.
At that Point, I knew the meltdown was almost over and it would only take a day or so to recover. If I wanted to go back to myself and the way I was it was only a choice. I could make it anytime I wanted to, and no one around me could affect it. I knew it now.
I understood, and I felt ready to move on from this sludge I felt stuck in. I wasn't falling off anymore, and I only had to be as stuck as I wanted to be. I was no longer willing to give any of my energy to anyone who didn't appreciate it or deserve it.

Things started to look up, and roomie and I finally spoke to each other. Things at work got better and I finally made it back to the gym.

Roomie and I finally chatted before I went out last night and it was fine. She did look at me and finally ask "What was with the Fruity Pebbles in our house?"
I looked at her and said "I was wondering when you would ask me about those?"

I looked at her and said "I had a meltdown this week."

A Fruity Pebble Meltdown

Love,
Lea/Trixie