I was hungry for White Boy...

Someone the other day was talking to me about my blog and he said "I'm surprised you put some of the stuff in you do, I'd be embarrassed."

I am, but there's that shitty cliche, "The truth shall set you free"
I know the past is the past, and the present is right now and all that shit. I don't have to explain the past, its mine and eventually I will let you in, but whats happening right now is more important.

If you really want to know it all, I'll tell you.

I know, I know. Lea, stop don't get all self helpy. People don't want to be helped, they want to be rescued before its too late. That's when the desperation sets in. There are also those that don't want to be helped at all, you just have to be there when they get through it. I know both of these people, personally.

I know I've said it before but boredom can get the best of me. It gets hard trying to figure out how to deal with yourself when you get so bored with everything. So, I cling and hold on to the things that keep me going the most. Whatever, whoever it is I'll take it. But I hold on to it so tight that I eventually smother it. Murder, death, kill...

Its a token Lea move, don't ask me why I do it or any of the things I do. I just do, and not you nor anyone else can change me until I'm ready to.

People have to learn how to help themselves.
That's what I'm doing...I've been liberating myself one mistake at a time.
My guitar teacher once told me: "We keep making the same mistakes over and over again because we are so desperate to fill a void in ourselves that we don't know we're doing it."
Sometimes I think my guitar teacher can be a Prick, but I guess it works for me.

I'm just a professional mess maker! I wish I could get paid for this shit.

I do really good for a while, and then things get too good and the fatty in me come out and that crazy Bitch has to ruin everything.
She can't have just a little, she has to have it all!
Whether its the cake, the booze, or the boy in this case. I will over do it...
I'm really trying to not do it so much anymore but every now and then it sneaks up on me. Things get good and then I fuck them up.

Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just not ready, even though I want it so bad.

Which brings me finally to the story I wanted to share with you...
I was at work a while ago and I am constantly surrounded by white starchy things I can't have. Notice I said can't, I've worked too hard to allow myself to have them anymore. I know its unhealthy behavior to think this way, but I think my past is unhealthier.
Anyways, I see white bread all damn day! French, Sourdough, Foccacia, and all the white pastry and cookies you can think.
The smell of fresh bread coming out of an oven is enough to make me puddle on the floor. Its overwhelming for me and it makes my job tough every single day. I ask myself all the time why I left my last job and took this one, but I know the reason. I also knew it was gonna be tough and if you know me, you'll already know that I don't make anything easy on myself.
Again, don't ask why. I don't fucking know.

Things are easier said than done...

Its like I'm shitting cliches today.

Sorry, I was at work and I was babbling to myself, and what I wanted to say was "God I'm hungry for white bread." What I actually said was "God I'm hungry for white boy."
Yes, I said it out loud and some people heard me. I laughed until I almost puked and then I ran to grab my phone to call an infamous white boy I know because I hadn't talked to him in a while and I missed him.

He was the only one that I knew could appreciate the shit that comes out of my mouth.
I told him what I had said and he laughed at me. It was good to talk to him, and I was happy to hear that he was okay. And yes, I missed him, probably more than he missed me.

It was about two weeks later that I saw him, and I actually got to hang out with him. We drank, we danced and we having a good time, then I had to fuck it up.

As I went to say goodbye I hugged him, and I said something very important to him and then...I bit him. I have no idea why I did it, but I did. I actually bit him, and I think it was on the neck. Who does that? I do, I guess. I bit him and his first reaction was to hit me, which he did. He hit me on the side of the face. He probably doesn't remember hitting me, but its okay. I'm sure I had it coming....
I have to laugh about it now because it's a little funny. NO, it's a lot funny!
I saw him outside of the bar, and he wasn't really mad at me, but he said "the bite, no me gusta. No bueno." I said I was sorry, and then I felt really bad.
We talked about something else for a minute and then I said something else that pissed him off, and he finally walked away mad.
I was upset. The other friend who was with me told me not to worry about it. She said "you were both drunk, let it go. He might not even remember it."

I would remember it though, I would remember the disappointment I saw in his face when he looked at me. I would remember how I made him mad, so mad he hit me. I had to deal with the feeling I had as he walked away from me pissed off. That knowing in my head that I had fucked up again. My obnoxious behavior had once again poisoned a situation like a bleach cocktail.

It was like I had eaten the whole cheesecake even though I said I was only going to have a bite. I felt like I failed again, and now I had to go home and figure out how to make it better.
The old Lea would go to the closest fast food place and get french fries, because I love them with lots of high fructose corn syrup (ketchup). Then I thought about going to the store to get pizza, because pizza makes me incredibly happy, even the shitty frozen kind. I'm not real picky when it comes to pizza. Okay that's a lie, but when I need a fix I'm willing to settle. And at that point in time I needed a fix to help me forget about what I had done. Then I thought about going to the gas station to get potato chips. Whoever invented potato chips can go to hell and sit next to me, because I love you and would do absolutely anything you want.
No really if George Crum were still alive he could have all the tug-jobs he wanted, because that is how much I love potato chips.

I didn't though, I didn't get any fast food. I didn't go to the store, or the gas station. I didn't even come home and try to secretly eat in the kitchen so my roomie doesn't hear me. She says she doesn't judge me, but sometimes I think she does. I project my judgment onto everyone else. Its my catholic guilt, I feel like I am always doing something wrong.

I came home, I sat on the couch, and I said to myself "Lea, you are going to have to deal with yourself this time. You are going to have to learn how to deal with this feeling, not do it again, and not try to make it go away with food."
I had to try and learn from this one. This mistake was important, it was so important because I realized that I fucked up and I was strong enough to to deal with it and not try to comfort myself with something else...whether it be food, alcohol, drugs or people. All of my vices were uninvited for the night and it was just me.
Its frightening sometimes to be just by yourself, it is for me anyways.
I did it though, and I realized for a minute that I had grown, I had learned and I've changed. I had successfully made an attempt to change my life.

I was never going to be the same.

As for the white boy I bit, well he wasn't mad, probably annoyed more than anything. He knows that I was drunk, and how important he is. I could never do anything legitimately harmful to him.
What can I say, I called his ass and warned him already. I guess I wasn't kidding.

I was hungry for White Boy...

Love,
Lea/Trixie

Sex Dreams and Corn Flakes

I have a clear head today, its almost too clear. Not that I love being hungover, but some of my best stories happen when I am drunk. If I stop drinking then what am I gonna have to tell the world?

Well, I can tell you lots of things!

For a very long time I felt nothing. I wasn't really happy, I wasn't really sad. To the outside world I probably looked depressed, but I don't think that I was. I became accepting of what my life was. When you're a fatty, you get to a point that you accept that this is your life. This is what I get, and society tells me that I have to make the most of it.

Screw that! It finally hit me one day that I wanted more. I can't tell you about the exact moment that it hit or who it was that made me see it, because its happened multiple times with multiple people. I try to learn something from everyone in my life whether they are vital to me or not. Even if they get sick of me or not, they are people, they are constant and they happen to me everyday.
I've had ample opportunities to change my life in the past and I've tried but somehow I have managed to mess them all up, until about two years ago...

Honestly, my vaginacologist was the one who put me on a diet. He said "you are sick, you probably have diabetes and you're wasting my time and yours if you don't lose weight. Whats it gonna be? I can put you on a medication right now if you want?"

My vaginacologist is a Prick, but I have the up most admiration for all Pricks.

I just looked at him and said "all right, tell me what to do, and I'll do it." He gave me a piece of paper that had the food exchanges listed for a 1,500 calorie diet.
After that I went home and I cried, yes I cried not because he was a total prick to me, but because he was right.

I knew it, too. I was wasting my time and trying to fill in the nothing I felt with everything else, Food, work, alcohol, drugs, girls, boys...anything.

Anything to make me feel something.
Attractive is something I've never really felt, put it at the top of the list along with
Desirable
Sexy
Hot
Wanted
Fuckable

I get words like:
Cute
Cuddly
Squishy
Hug-able
Chubby Cheeks, yes a lot of people still call me chubby cheeks
-These words describe a teddy bear, I am not a fucking teddy bear.

The first list is what I wanted, lets be real people. We want the Madonna and the Whore. I was exhausted of being a good girl, and just making do with what I had. That's not me and I don't think I can go back.
We should all lose weight because its good for your health, and you want a long and healthy life, but I'd be lying if I said that was the only reason.

You know me, I'm not a liar...and neither are you.

We all want to be desired, and wanted, we want to be wanted by someone else. The trick is that you have to want yourself first.
I remember being at my old job with a friend and I don't know what we were talking about, but I remember saying to him "we have to make me into something that somebody wants someday!" He looked at me and laughed. It's the truth, I wanted to be something that somebody would eventually want someday. I didn't want what I had, so I figured if I turned it into something that someone else would want, then eventually I'd want it too. The health stuff that comes along with losing weight is all a bonus baby!

Guess what? It works, I eventually felt better, and I looked better too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but you all saw me. I was a beast! And I can say that now and laugh about it. I felt content for a bit with trying to make others happy, but not all of them appreciated me, so I had to stop giving them everything. I wanted to feel anything so bad that I took whatever I could get, even if it meant doing ridiculous things like cutting up apples for people every single fucking day. I was addicted to that shit like a drug.
Its like you feel nothing, nothing, nothing and then one day it clicks. The apparent Sex Goddess in me woke up. It just all happened to coincide with a conversation about sex dreams and corn flakes on Facebook.
My dear friend Esperanza made a comment on Facebook about how eating corn flakes before bed gave her naughty sex dreams. Other people commented on it, and one person even commented how Corn Flakes were created to deter people from masturbating or thinking of anything sexual. The inventors of Corn Flakes thought that if you followed a bland boring diet you would not have any desire to have any kind of sexual desires.
They......are so wrong.
I made a joke to Esperanza about how I was going to eat more corn flakes! I did. I don't even really like corn flakes, but my roomie does and she had a giant box of them on our refrigerator, so I got into them one day. I hardly ever really sleep let alone sleep enough to have an amazing sex dream. They only happen once in a great while and I wake up feeling very confused. It took about a week of me eating corn flakes constantly because I was curious if I could even have a sex dream that I finally had one.

It was awesome, and totally rocked my world. Everyone who I have talked to about this wants the details, so I'm finally ready to give it up. It was a very hot boy, and its not who you think it is either, so forget about that. The interesting part is that it was a combination of people in my life past and present. It was the physical body of one person and the voice talking to me of the other.
It was raw, I had my hands wrapped around things that I wouldn't normally go for. I'm forward but I've never been that forward. I was putting things into places that I normally don't initiate going towards. And I was just taking it like it was my job. In my dream it was so good, I went back for seconds!

I woke up from that dream breathless, and disoriented.
I woke up from that dream alive, and excited.
I got up and I went to the bathroom because it was so good I thought had wet myself, but I hadn't wet myself. My world got rocked so hard that I had started my period. I wasn't upset, I was more excited to get it over with so that I could see what happens next...

Hows that for feeling alive...
I had a bottle of bubbly later that day with my roomie for Valentines day, and when she asked me why I was in such a good mood I told her all about it.
We had a toast to:
Sex Dreams and Corn Flakes.

Love Lea/Trixie

Everybody wants a Blow Job!

Well, here I am again...I've managed to not only shock everyone around me but I think I have finally topped myself. You'll have to ask last night about that one, but the events did spark the desire to tell you this one...

If you didn't know I used to be huge. I'm still big, but not like I was, and fuck all of the friends who didn't tell me this sooner. Chubby, Pleasantly Plump, big boned, its all bullshit! We all know the truth, but I'm willing to say it.
We know what we think when we see the overweight lady hunched over a shopping cart because she is so big that she can't put too much pressure on her poor overworked feet. And the fatty in the amigo cart with a fucking oxygen tank! It makes me angry and one day I swore that that would never be me. I did not want to end up the sad, saggy, lonely fatty hunched over a shopping cart full of processed food. Oh that lady at the store makes me so angry, you can tell she does not even know what exercise is because her ass is so big.
I know what you're thinking, Lea, your ass is huge how can you say this about someone else you don't even know. Easy, I'm an honest BITCH! I call them how I see them.

I have ghetto booty, and people love it.

I refuse to go out like that though, never. I don't know what lies in the end of all this for me, but when I do go its going to be epic. Remember that.

I was miserable for a very long time and yes I wanted to kill myself. If I could have suffocated myself with food and not eaten my way out of it I would have. You could say that all fatties are just killing themselves with food anyways, right? I was, and someone finally made me realize I had to change. I knew this all along, but I got too comfortable with the way things were that I never saw how they could be. I still can't grasp how far I've come and the opportunities that lie ahead of me. I get into my own head too much and sometimes its too hard to get out.

So I started making small changes to my life. I started working out first, because I knew that trying to exercise would be the hardest. It was, it was also the most intimidating. I blocked out everyone around me so that I didn't have any distractions, or negativity bringing me down. I can bring myself down all by myself thank you very much. Then I had to change how I ate. I had to look at the crap I was putting into my body and stop.
Little by little everyone started to notice and then one by one the ones that wanted to started following my lead and changing their lives too. I was so thankful for all of them, for noticing, for wanting to be better versions of themselves. They were inspiring me to work so much harder. I didn't want to let any of them down. It wasn't hundreds of people or anything, but it was just the few that mattered the most. I wanted to keep them around forever and never let go.

Then there were the others, the ones who enable you to drink, eat shitty, and generally make you feel like shit even though they have no idea they are doing it. Yes, I have plenty of those in my life. That doesn't mean I love them any less, because I do. I love everyone...

So I had this friend that I eventually lived with. Good friend, and has always been there for me. We've known each other a very long time. He used to pick on me when I would cook food. I remember one day he told me "your food is boring. its all really bland, I could never eat plain oatmeal or plain egg whites. I gotta have some flavor or a little fat."
Guess what asshole, this is how people who care about their bodies eat. This is how athletes eat, and this is how I have to eat in order try and make my life better. I would like to see you try it.
But he couldn't, he always had an excuse. He would say "I have no time, I'm too tired. I only have to lose an extra 15 to 20 pounds anyways. I'll start tomorrow."

And then one day a miracle happened, Satan works in mysterious ways...my dear friend tried on a shirt and he walked out and he said "I think its too tight."
I just looked at him and tried to figure out what to say to him. The shirt was so tight that the buttons were popping open. It was obviously too small and it was just sad.
I said "how old is that?" He said, "I just bought it last year and I've only worn it like twice. These shirts are expensive and I hate to get rid of it. Guess its time for me to go on that diet." We laughed and I smiled at him and said "its okay, you can do it. I'm here for you."
I felt good for a minute, I thought I had gotten through to him, the only thing I have ever wanted for everyone is to just take care of themselves.
Like I said I felt good for about a minute. See everything with this friend felt like a competition. So, eventually he was going to be able to do everything better than me. Eat better, run faster, and buy better clothes. I always felt inadequate, and I hated it. Things came so easily to him, and it seemed like he was gonna lose those 15-20 pounds by just changing what he ate. I on the other hand still had so much left to lose. I was gonna have to work, sweat, and fight twice as hard. I had to be more disciplined, and I hated it. It seemed unfair.
Its not easy. It never will be, so don't tell me that it is.
After he started running, and eating better he looked good. He felt better and he slimmed down a lot. I was happy for him, really I was!
He said, "You, know what? I thought this was going to be hard, but its not. One week and I don't even want any bad food. I smell the french fries at work and it makes me sick, I don't even want to eat them. I don't crave any of that bad food at all!"
At that moment I was so angry because I was tired. Tired of working harder than everyone else, tired of listening to my own pathetic excuses, and tired of listening to this Bitch tell me it was easy. This piece of shit took everything that I was working so hard for and shit all over it. He cheapened everything I was doing and he took away my luster. I shouldn't have let him, but I did.
I felt like my hard work meant nothing.

I lost it, I turned around and I looked at him lounging in his stupid recliner and I said "Do not sit there and tell me you don't crave french fries!" He argued with me "what? I don't, its true. I don't want any bad food, its disgusting!" I got angrier and I said "you're a fucking liar, you telling me you don't want any bad food is like saying you don't want a Blow Job! Everybody wants a Blow Job. I want a Blow Job right now and I don't even have a penis!"
He looked at me and it took me a second to calm down. Then we both laughed and he said "Did you really just say that?" I took a deep breath and said "yes, I think I'm just hungry or something. I'm sorry but you were frustrating me." He said, "Why don't you go eat something before you really lose it."
I ate something, I'm sure I didn't enjoy it because I was still so angry.

No one is perfect, and we all have to work really hard for the things we want. Once you do something its yours, you own it and no one can take it away. Its okay to indulge in those guilty pleasures every now and then. Everyone needs a little dirty deed in their lives sometimes. So get you some, just don't pretend like you don't want it, because I don't care who you are...

Everybody wants a Blow Job...

Love,
Lea/Trixie