Corn Addiction...

I can't help myself sometimes...

I was at home depressed because I had a part of a cookie today, and I shouldn't be but I am. I know I work really hard and I am putting in two hours a day at the gym and I'm beginning to see results again finally but its not enough for me.

I want to be skinny, I want to know what it feels like because I never have and maybe its just a pipe dream, like I'm working at something I'm never gonna get but I can't believe that or I would have to give up.
When you're really big like I was, its hard to eat stuff like cookies in front of people. Its hard to eat anything, I judge myself enough. I don't want to know what everyone else is thinking.

You all have seen me, you know I've worked really hard. I don't want to take any steps backwards, so I feel like I have to be really hard on myself.

I have to believe that at the end of all this, I'm gonna get what I want and hopefully what I deserve. It seems fair right? That damn prize at the end is gonna be awesome, and I'm prepared to work HARD for it.

There has to be something amazing out there for me.

Everyone goes through their shit to get to the good stuff.

Well I've discovered that as you start to change your lifestyle and your eating habits your whole body changes. You start to crave weird things, healthier things than you used to. Then you find out that those potato chips or that cookie you wanted so bad really wasn't a good idea. It will make you feel like crap. My stomach hurts so bad right now I want to throw up. Not because I feel bad for eating it, don't get me wrong...
For me eating a sexy rich buttery cookie is like waking up from a regretful one night stand. Trust me I've done both.
It seems like a really good idea when you want it but later on your like wait, Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. God I hope this doesn't give me diarrhea...?
My stomach feels bad because I just filled it like a whore full of shit that I'm not used to eating anymore. Butter, sugar, chocolate, I can feel it all rolling up my throat.
The only choice is to ride out that bad feeling and deal with what you've done.

So, lately the only thing I've been wanting to eat is Corn. I can't get enough of it...I would take it in the morning, the afternoon, and even in the middle of the night. I wake up wanting it, salivating...I don't get it. Its just Corn. We're all human, and some of us just want a little Corn.
Its healthy to want to Corn, right? I mean, you can try different kinds, and have it different ways until you figure out what you like. Sometimes its even different sizes!
Popcorn, Caramel Corn, and Kettle Corn. Don't forget about the Latina in me who loves her HOminy!
This Food Whore loves it all.
The way I like it best it just plain. Its the right flavor, and it is definitely the right size.
Besides its sugar and starchiness its actually healthy. And, if you buy the frozen corn which I do then its not packed with sodium. I wish it had more protein though............

I want it so bad that I start to feel bad about it. Why, its Corn, its not really that bad for you. Its like fiber and it comes out the shape it went in. It makes me feel full, and it helps get rid of all the crap.
I like everything about it...the smell, the taste, the way it sounds when its in the pan. I don't even mind if it gets a little roughed up! I love the excitement I get as I'm waiting for it to get done....
I can't help it.
Then I get to eat it.

Okay, so its not really a vegetable, but come on...live in the Grey area with me for a minute.
I promise I'll show you a good time.

This really is a good thing. Eating Corn is a good thing because then I feel lighter and I walk a little taller. This is good for fatties, we need any kind of encouragement we can get.

Like High School Girls with low self esteem, we'll take whatever!

So, I finally decided that I had had enough! I was gonna quit corn! No more late night Corn for this Bitch!
No more breakfast Corn, afternoon Corn....NO MORE!
Why did I feel so bad about something so good.....!?
I did though, and I didn't know why.
The other night I came home and Roomie was cooking some Corn. I walked in and I yelled "YOU'RE cooking corn!" She said "yes, and......you can cook some Corn too if you want."
She had no idea how addicted I was to Corn and that I wanted to quit my addiction.
I said "I can't have any Corn, I've been having too much of it lately, I told myself I was gonna slow down. OHHHHH! I WANT SOME THOUGH!!!"
She looked at me like I was crazy and she laughed, she said "its just Corn!"
I said "its too late to eat, I just can't"

I walked away ashamed, and I couldn't explain why because I didn't know why...

I waited about an hour for her to go to bed, and then I went into the kitchen, turned on the stove, pulled the bag out of the freezer and proceeded to cook some Corn.
I seasoned it and put the tiniest smudge of soy butter on it and I ate it.......
I felt guilty, I felt bad....................but it felt so good.
That small bowl of corn was the best bowl I ever ate.

I could never really give it up, especially when it makes me feel so good to fight it so hard.
I can't help it I like the work, I like the hunt and I am enraptured with the final kill.
Its the thrill of the final surrender.
I know what you're thinking...........What...a...Whore...
Its just Corn, and I need to learn how to not be so hard on myself, this is not an easy lifestyle, if it were then everyone would do it.

You can never have too much of a good thing, who cares how sinful it is or isn't, don't worry I "Corn" responsibly.

There is nothing wrong with a little corn....
and so what if it becomes a

Corn Addiction.

Love,
Trixie

Heavy Duty...

Well, it has been just too long hasn't it?
I must apologize for my absence I was caught between the voice of reason(a bitch) and reality(an asshole). It wasn't fun and has been extremely difficult but the war is almost over and it looks like I'm winning.
What am I winning you ask? I got myself back and the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. And I won the freedom to make mistakes and my own choices, to get back to what I know and what I want and the ones that I have missed and make me happy.

Everything is all mine...I take it all, the good and the bad.

I have always said: I am no ones poster child.

I feel the need to share something, sort of like a PSA.

I love people because they amuse me. We say the dumbest shit. I do it myself, just drink with me for one night and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So, I work at a bakery. I've said it before and I will say it again, its really fucking hard to lose weight and control yourself when you have to see it everyday. I'm doing it though and I'm finding success again thanks to the help of a few individuals. I am grateful...

Well at this bakery we make Tuna salad. Well, actually the Retail staff makes it and I hear at least one person a day say "Mayonnaise is so disgusting. I hate it, its got to be like so bad for you. Just listen to it, it even sounds gross." Then they shake the container to you can hear every ounce of fat hitting the sides. They laugh and they think its funny to bitch about it.
I find it really annoying, because people are dumb! We constantly act oblivious and do all the wrong things. We do them even though we know its bad for us.

Well, you know me and I rarely hold my tongue, especially when it comes to food.

I got mad and I finally said "Hey guess what? Mayonnaise is bad for you, look at the fucking label...what does it say? How many calories are in a serving of that shit." The poor retail child stopped what he was doing and looked at the label. He said "Oh my God there is 100 calories per serving!" I said "Thats right, do you even know what is in that gallon sized container of crap that has been touched by Satan?" He said "no" I said "but you eat it right? And you like it? But, then you complain everyday about how gross its got to be....yes?"
He shook his head yes to all of my questions.
I said "see, the problem is that people have no idea of what they put into their bodies until its too late. Then you have to try and fix all the damage you've done."
We do it with food, alcohol, people, feelings all that shit. We allow toxic shit into our lives and bodies.

This poor kid stood silent.

I said "See, the irony of all of this is that the warning is on the label."
He said "I don't see a warning..."
I said "Yes, its right there. It says Heavy Duty. Why would you put anything into your body that says Heavy Duty? You put heavy duty stuff into your car, or a machine. Do not put it into your body."
He looked at me like I had just told him the meaning of life or something.
He said "I never thought of it that way, wow its really, really gross to me now."

Hello?! This isn't new information, mayonnaise especially out of the gallon sized container is not really good for you. Read the label, I can't even pronounce the preservatives.

Don't do it people, don't put anything into your body that says, Heavy Duty or Industrial Strength.
Its not worth it and its no bueno.
Trust me I put enough of that crap in my body for years and now I have to work twice as hard everyone else.

Be smart, make the right decisions for yourself and don't let anyone control what you put into your body. That includes your mind too. There are crazy Bitches out there that will feed you whatever they can to get you to change. But, its not up to them. It is all yours.

Look for the signs and take care of yourself. Don't put too much of anything into your body that says..........

Heavy Duty

And if anyone has a problem with that, you can tell them Trixie said so.

Love
Trixie

Fruity Pebble Meltdown...

Sometimes you have to give in, you have to let go and you realize that you're gonna fall. So, do you try to do it gracefully or just let go and hope you don't eat shit.

I know myself pretty well and I know when I'm about to fall off. I can always feel a breakdown, sometimes I can push it back until I have time to deal with it. Then things happen and make me so angry and they seem to happen so fast that the best thing for me to do is take it out on myself.
I would rather implode in myself, than explode all over you.

I have become self destructive.

I'm not proud of this, but it seems like there is no other way.
This one had been building for a few months now and I could give you specific reasons why, but they're not really important. They're just minor details. Just know that a lot of shit happened all at once, and I couldn't handle it anymore. I know what you're thinking, Shame on you Lea for letting the bullshit of others affect, you're supposed to be stronger than that.

NEWSFLASH: sometimes I'm not, I get exhausted of always trying to handle every situation the right way, so I resort to my old ways of just not giving a shit anymore.

Now, you know as well as I know that for Lea, when things get too bad the first thing her inner fatty bitch runs to is food. So, I did. I had been consuming whatever I wanted for most of March and I'm hoping that April can turn itself around. I had been going out a lot and purposely allowing myself to drink and eat whatever I wanted. I was numbing myself, I know it. I was putting myself through a series of tests to see how I handled each one. It's like trying to brush up on something you used to know really well. I didn't do so well at first, and I had to try and re-learn some stuff.
So, here's the story...

My roomie decided or read somewhere that it was a great idea to go on a fruit fast. I guess it was some kind of three day cleanse. She asked me if I wanted to do it with her, and I said sure, why not. I've done detoxes before and lost lots of weight on them, but the after affects are usually pretty bad. The detox I did way back when says you can only eat fruit and veggies for nine days, so I did and I exercised and I lost 17 pounds. Awesome right, not really because when I was finally done, I was like I'm so hungry now I want a burrito, a pizza, cheesecake, and french fries. My addictive behaviors come back out and they live a life of extremes. I just can't seem to find a happy medium yet, but I'm working on it. I end up gaining 27 pounds back after that detox. Yeah, my metabolism sucks.
So as the frustrations in my life grew I kept rethinking this fruit fast. I decided not to do it. I didn't want to, I was having a hard enough time keeping everything else together that adding this would have just been a big mess.
I also didn't want to do it because my roomies kind of lifestyle is not always for me. Don't get me wrong its great for her, but I'm going through something else and its not right for me right now.
So since she is telling me this is a great idea, I will automatically fight. My defiant ass won't do something, just because someone else is telling me to do it. I know is self destructive and childish, but sometimes it's who I have to be in order to go forward and move on.
I need to go through things and feel them, and then deal with them. So, a couple days before she started this fruit fast some things happened in my life that pushed me over the edge, and I just lost it.
I went to the grocery store because I had no food and I needed something or else I was gonna eat crap all week at other places. I got to the store and tried to get good things, but I couldn't. The only thing I wanted to buy was a fucking box of Fruity Pebbles.

I love Fruity Pebbles. They take me back to my childhood. You know how you get sick on something and you can never eat or drink it again? Not me, I remember being really little at the babysitters and sitting at the table eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I don't know what happened, but all of the sudden I projectile vomited Fruity Pebbles all over myself and the table. Every other child that was at that table ran, and I was left there alone. There sat this chubby little Mexican girl with Fruity Pebbles stuck to her shirt and all over the table. I remember sitting there crying because everyone was so grossed out and nobody would come near me. I hate puking anyways , it freaked me out and I didn't know what to do.
I was sitting there crying covered in Fruity Pebbles still holding the spoon...
Someone eventually came and cleaned me up, but I will never ever forget that moment. You would think that something like that would be enough to scare me away from Fruity Pebbles forever, but it wasn't.

I stood there in the grocery isle staring at Fred Flintstone holding a spoonful of those sweet little colored crisp rice pieces. It was like he was taunting me, he was even smiling at me, the bastard. I even tried to reason with myself by reading the box. Fruity Pebbles are only 120 calories per serving but each serving has 11 grams of sugar. On the up side, they are gluten free and the box states: "Rocks Your Whole Mouth!"
I gave in, I even bought the family size box. I didn't do it to be spiteful. I did it because I had no fight left in me at the time and I couldn't deal with anything. Fruity Pebbles make me happy, damn it! They are the complete opposite of what I should be eating.
It only took me a few days to finish that box. Every time I poured myself a bowl I felt bad about it. Not just about eating this sugary cereal that I didn't need, but everything else in between. I also didn't just pour one bowl or a small bowl, I had multiple large bowls of this cereal. I knew that I shouldn't have and I knew that I should just throw away the box before I finish it, but I couldn't. I kept eating and eating. I didn't even feel good after I ate them. I let the inner fatty Bitch takeover. That whore was winning.
I had finally had the worst day at work ever, and things at home had gotten pretty crappy. I hadn't been to the gym in almost a week, and I couldn't bring myself to go. The only thing I could think of was Fruity Pebbles. I wanted them. My inner fatty was angry and frustrated and I had lost control of her.
I had let all the other things happening around me get bigger than what they needed to. I was finally at a point that I had to have a meltdown.
So I did. I came home that day and poured myself what I thought was the last bowl and started eating it alone in my room. Then it hit me, I started crying again because I knew that all these crazy feelings I had had in my head weren't me. This was not the person I wanted to be. I didn't want roomies lifestyle, but I didn't want the one I was choosing either. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, but don't think I didn't keep eating, because I did. In between sobs I managed to stuff spoonfuls of Fruity Pebbles into my mouth. I'm really surprised I didn't choke.
Yes, I am a bonafide fatty.
I put the bowl down and glanced at the box that I had taken in my room with me. I looked at that asshole Fred Flintstone on the box and kicked him in the face.
I stomped on the Fruity Pebble box. I smashed it, I started to rip it up and the plastic bag that was in it fell out spilling Fruity Pebbles all over my floor.

Fred Flintstone was no longer smiling at me. Fuck You Fred Flintstone, and you're Fucking pebbles.
At that Point, I knew the meltdown was almost over and it would only take a day or so to recover. If I wanted to go back to myself and the way I was it was only a choice. I could make it anytime I wanted to, and no one around me could affect it. I knew it now.
I understood, and I felt ready to move on from this sludge I felt stuck in. I wasn't falling off anymore, and I only had to be as stuck as I wanted to be. I was no longer willing to give any of my energy to anyone who didn't appreciate it or deserve it.

Things started to look up, and roomie and I finally spoke to each other. Things at work got better and I finally made it back to the gym.

Roomie and I finally chatted before I went out last night and it was fine. She did look at me and finally ask "What was with the Fruity Pebbles in our house?"
I looked at her and said "I was wondering when you would ask me about those?"

I looked at her and said "I had a meltdown this week."

A Fruity Pebble Meltdown

Love,
Lea/Trixie

Spit it Out...

I just woke up and am probably still drunk.

What did I do last night? Nothing too crazy, or dramatic...I don't think. I honestly don't know, but I know I woke up earlier this morning in front of the toilet in a t-shirt and undies.

Yes, I've been told before... I'm a Classy Bitch!

Anyways, sorry roomie, hope I didn't make a mess. My roomie also tells me that I need to celebrate the small victories in my life and appreciate the now. She tells me I focus too much on the end goal that I am missing out on a lot of stuff right now. I try really hard to listen to her, but where I'm at right now still feels like no where. I'm not satisfied, yet. Whatever validation I'm searching for or have been searching for isn't there yet. So, I keep looking for it, and looking for it and keep praying that someday I'll find it and this void will be gone. Until then I keep living my life by trial and error with people. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just end up with a lot of shit stories of the things that I did.
I feel like I made a mess of last night though, but I'm gonna look at it like this...

1. I know I got upset for a stupid reason,The reason will reveal itself in due time. Don't worry trolls, eventually I'm gonna let everyone know the truth when I finish my book. Until then I just keep shoving it away except every now and then when let a little slip out. Fuck! Bad Lea! I'm just such a horrible liar!
2. I know I was drunk and the friend I was hanging out with knows I'm sometimes crazy. Whatever its the latina in me.
3. My friend and I have always forgiven each other for the shit we do to each other when we're drunk. So, I'm gonna hope on that one.
4. I could go back through and look at the text messages to figure out what happened but I'm not ready to do that yet. I know I sent some crap to a few people last night. Low self esteem will do wonders for you when you're drunk!
5. I ate fairly well yesterday and when I came home upset I did not eat anything.


Did you hear that suckers?????????????????? Nothing! I did however drink a lot...
So much that I just had to give up and pass out because I really didn't know what to do anymore. I tried to sleep, but that didn't last very long. The spins set in and the roll of heat came over me and I made it the bathroom just in time. I also fell asleep on the floor....
It's funny, you can laugh at me, I am.
Which brings me to puking...I hate it, its gross and I don't know how anyone could be bulimic. I know I make jokes about being bulimic, having prolimia (ask Paul Star or Jamie Hance what it is), anorexia, or manorexia. It's just a joke, because I know what its like to struggle. Don't think I don't have issues with food or that I don't I relapse all the time, because I do. I want it everyday, and I want it bad. I'm a binge eater and that is just as bad.
I will wait until no one is watching.
At least, I think no one is watching...but someone is always watching.
Last week I had to make these special Braided Danishes for Easter. I had to make four different kinds. I made an apple one, a chocolate one, and the last two had to be bullshit ones. They were raspberry and cream cheese, and strawberry and cream cheese.
Cream cheese is like crack to me. One little hit and I'm done, I'm twitching in a corner with my eyes rolling backwards alone...
Why Satan, why?
Well, they kind of turned out and they kind of didn't, but they sat there for a whole day before I could cut them up and try them out. Everyone kept asking me, "Lea, when do we get to eat that? Lea, when, When, WHEN?!" They all wanted it as bad as I did.
I told everyone I would let them eat them after I showed the owners, my bosses and got their input. Its my job, they ask and I produce. Unfortunately for me its food, and if they don't like it the first time, I have to keep remaking it until they are satisfied.

Well, son of a Bitch...they liked them. They only need a little bit of tweaking, but next week I'm going to kill it when I remake them. I will have to try them again, and I'm gonna hate it but I don't have to swallow it. Just taste it, and spit it out. That is what I do with most of the stuff I have to try there. I have to! Everyone gets grossed out, but its what I gotta do. I wish I didn't even have to taste it.
They sat out all day and everyone kept eating it. It was torture, I kept moving the tray of the cut up pieces away from my work space but somehow some asshole would move them back. My assistant tries to keep me strong. She will move the scraps away from me without my having to ask her. If she sees me go for something, she'll say "Don't eat all of that, you know you don't want to!" She gets me, and she knows when to back off and when to check me. Well, that bitch left for the day!
I was on my way out the door to go get some lunch and it hit me. I was hungry and I couldn't fight the danish anymore. I cut a piece, just to hold me over until I got some real food.

I honestly thought I could get away with it because everyone who normally checks me was gone. No roomie, no chorizito(if you're smart you can figure out who that is), no awesome assistant. Everyone still there that day could have cared less if I ate the whole thing or not. I was in mid chew when I heard someone call my name.
It was the damn Retail Manager, another good friend who has seen me at my biggest and actually teared up the other day as he told me he was proud of me for changing my life. I don't like to tell him, but I sometimes give a shit about him.
He said, "Lea?" And then he gave me the come over here nod, he was rinsing dishes, so he had his hands full.
I turned around, still in mid chew not even thinking about what was in my mouth and I said, "What?"
He looked at me and then he nodded to the trash can, he didn't really have to say anything. I knew it right then at that second. He looked at me and said "Spit it out."
I had been caught and I was ashamed. I felt so bad and it got even worse because I had started to swallow. I spit out this giant lump of masticated danish into the trash and tried to gag up the little bit I swallowed. It wasn't working though, I could still feel the lump in my throat. So I took a huge swig of water and half swallowed it, and finally I threw it up. It was like he had reached down my throat and pulled the demons out of me, like an exorcism. The girl behind me said "Oh my God, I can't believe you just made her do that! I don't think I could do that, Gross!" It was fine because, I needed someone to do that. I stood there rinsing out my mouth over the trash can and I said quietly with a smile on my face "I fucking hate you right now." He said "but you love me a little bit too."
I was thankful for that moment because I needed that to happen. I didn't want that danish in my body. It was truly a religious experience and I needed someone to try and cleanse me, because this fatty bitch fell off. I know when I'm too close to the dark side and sometimes I can't save myself.
We put a lot of crap in our mouths, and our bodies. Physically, and mentally sometimes we need to be told to spit it out. We don't want to hold on to anything that could sabotage us or keep us down.
I often feel like no one is around or that no one cares anymore. But that's not it, people are people and they have their own shit to deal with. My friends are still there, they just can't be there all the time, but that doesn't mean they stopped believing in me.
I need to relearn how to believe in myself.
Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore and I want to give up. Is it worth it anymore? Am I ever going to get there? Am I ever going to get what I want or is it all just a pipe dream? "Is the juice worth the squeeze?"
Yes...I would rather die trying, than give up on myself or any of you. People will believe in you if you let them, even when you don't believe in yourself.
Until then I'm learning to enjoy the time I have right now, because I know there is something amazing for me ahead...and I'm willing to do the work and to wait!
So whatever you're dealing with just listen when someone says....

Spit it out.

Love,
Lea/Trixie
P.S. Don't ever swallow...

I was hungry for White Boy...

Someone the other day was talking to me about my blog and he said "I'm surprised you put some of the stuff in you do, I'd be embarrassed."

I am, but there's that shitty cliche, "The truth shall set you free"
I know the past is the past, and the present is right now and all that shit. I don't have to explain the past, its mine and eventually I will let you in, but whats happening right now is more important.

If you really want to know it all, I'll tell you.

I know, I know. Lea, stop don't get all self helpy. People don't want to be helped, they want to be rescued before its too late. That's when the desperation sets in. There are also those that don't want to be helped at all, you just have to be there when they get through it. I know both of these people, personally.

I know I've said it before but boredom can get the best of me. It gets hard trying to figure out how to deal with yourself when you get so bored with everything. So, I cling and hold on to the things that keep me going the most. Whatever, whoever it is I'll take it. But I hold on to it so tight that I eventually smother it. Murder, death, kill...

Its a token Lea move, don't ask me why I do it or any of the things I do. I just do, and not you nor anyone else can change me until I'm ready to.

People have to learn how to help themselves.
That's what I'm doing...I've been liberating myself one mistake at a time.
My guitar teacher once told me: "We keep making the same mistakes over and over again because we are so desperate to fill a void in ourselves that we don't know we're doing it."
Sometimes I think my guitar teacher can be a Prick, but I guess it works for me.

I'm just a professional mess maker! I wish I could get paid for this shit.

I do really good for a while, and then things get too good and the fatty in me come out and that crazy Bitch has to ruin everything.
She can't have just a little, she has to have it all!
Whether its the cake, the booze, or the boy in this case. I will over do it...
I'm really trying to not do it so much anymore but every now and then it sneaks up on me. Things get good and then I fuck them up.

Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just not ready, even though I want it so bad.

Which brings me finally to the story I wanted to share with you...
I was at work a while ago and I am constantly surrounded by white starchy things I can't have. Notice I said can't, I've worked too hard to allow myself to have them anymore. I know its unhealthy behavior to think this way, but I think my past is unhealthier.
Anyways, I see white bread all damn day! French, Sourdough, Foccacia, and all the white pastry and cookies you can think.
The smell of fresh bread coming out of an oven is enough to make me puddle on the floor. Its overwhelming for me and it makes my job tough every single day. I ask myself all the time why I left my last job and took this one, but I know the reason. I also knew it was gonna be tough and if you know me, you'll already know that I don't make anything easy on myself.
Again, don't ask why. I don't fucking know.

Things are easier said than done...

Its like I'm shitting cliches today.

Sorry, I was at work and I was babbling to myself, and what I wanted to say was "God I'm hungry for white bread." What I actually said was "God I'm hungry for white boy."
Yes, I said it out loud and some people heard me. I laughed until I almost puked and then I ran to grab my phone to call an infamous white boy I know because I hadn't talked to him in a while and I missed him.

He was the only one that I knew could appreciate the shit that comes out of my mouth.
I told him what I had said and he laughed at me. It was good to talk to him, and I was happy to hear that he was okay. And yes, I missed him, probably more than he missed me.

It was about two weeks later that I saw him, and I actually got to hang out with him. We drank, we danced and we having a good time, then I had to fuck it up.

As I went to say goodbye I hugged him, and I said something very important to him and then...I bit him. I have no idea why I did it, but I did. I actually bit him, and I think it was on the neck. Who does that? I do, I guess. I bit him and his first reaction was to hit me, which he did. He hit me on the side of the face. He probably doesn't remember hitting me, but its okay. I'm sure I had it coming....
I have to laugh about it now because it's a little funny. NO, it's a lot funny!
I saw him outside of the bar, and he wasn't really mad at me, but he said "the bite, no me gusta. No bueno." I said I was sorry, and then I felt really bad.
We talked about something else for a minute and then I said something else that pissed him off, and he finally walked away mad.
I was upset. The other friend who was with me told me not to worry about it. She said "you were both drunk, let it go. He might not even remember it."

I would remember it though, I would remember the disappointment I saw in his face when he looked at me. I would remember how I made him mad, so mad he hit me. I had to deal with the feeling I had as he walked away from me pissed off. That knowing in my head that I had fucked up again. My obnoxious behavior had once again poisoned a situation like a bleach cocktail.

It was like I had eaten the whole cheesecake even though I said I was only going to have a bite. I felt like I failed again, and now I had to go home and figure out how to make it better.
The old Lea would go to the closest fast food place and get french fries, because I love them with lots of high fructose corn syrup (ketchup). Then I thought about going to the store to get pizza, because pizza makes me incredibly happy, even the shitty frozen kind. I'm not real picky when it comes to pizza. Okay that's a lie, but when I need a fix I'm willing to settle. And at that point in time I needed a fix to help me forget about what I had done. Then I thought about going to the gas station to get potato chips. Whoever invented potato chips can go to hell and sit next to me, because I love you and would do absolutely anything you want.
No really if George Crum were still alive he could have all the tug-jobs he wanted, because that is how much I love potato chips.

I didn't though, I didn't get any fast food. I didn't go to the store, or the gas station. I didn't even come home and try to secretly eat in the kitchen so my roomie doesn't hear me. She says she doesn't judge me, but sometimes I think she does. I project my judgment onto everyone else. Its my catholic guilt, I feel like I am always doing something wrong.

I came home, I sat on the couch, and I said to myself "Lea, you are going to have to deal with yourself this time. You are going to have to learn how to deal with this feeling, not do it again, and not try to make it go away with food."
I had to try and learn from this one. This mistake was important, it was so important because I realized that I fucked up and I was strong enough to to deal with it and not try to comfort myself with something else...whether it be food, alcohol, drugs or people. All of my vices were uninvited for the night and it was just me.
Its frightening sometimes to be just by yourself, it is for me anyways.
I did it though, and I realized for a minute that I had grown, I had learned and I've changed. I had successfully made an attempt to change my life.

I was never going to be the same.

As for the white boy I bit, well he wasn't mad, probably annoyed more than anything. He knows that I was drunk, and how important he is. I could never do anything legitimately harmful to him.
What can I say, I called his ass and warned him already. I guess I wasn't kidding.

I was hungry for White Boy...

Love,
Lea/Trixie

Sex Dreams and Corn Flakes

I have a clear head today, its almost too clear. Not that I love being hungover, but some of my best stories happen when I am drunk. If I stop drinking then what am I gonna have to tell the world?

Well, I can tell you lots of things!

For a very long time I felt nothing. I wasn't really happy, I wasn't really sad. To the outside world I probably looked depressed, but I don't think that I was. I became accepting of what my life was. When you're a fatty, you get to a point that you accept that this is your life. This is what I get, and society tells me that I have to make the most of it.

Screw that! It finally hit me one day that I wanted more. I can't tell you about the exact moment that it hit or who it was that made me see it, because its happened multiple times with multiple people. I try to learn something from everyone in my life whether they are vital to me or not. Even if they get sick of me or not, they are people, they are constant and they happen to me everyday.
I've had ample opportunities to change my life in the past and I've tried but somehow I have managed to mess them all up, until about two years ago...

Honestly, my vaginacologist was the one who put me on a diet. He said "you are sick, you probably have diabetes and you're wasting my time and yours if you don't lose weight. Whats it gonna be? I can put you on a medication right now if you want?"

My vaginacologist is a Prick, but I have the up most admiration for all Pricks.

I just looked at him and said "all right, tell me what to do, and I'll do it." He gave me a piece of paper that had the food exchanges listed for a 1,500 calorie diet.
After that I went home and I cried, yes I cried not because he was a total prick to me, but because he was right.

I knew it, too. I was wasting my time and trying to fill in the nothing I felt with everything else, Food, work, alcohol, drugs, girls, boys...anything.

Anything to make me feel something.
Attractive is something I've never really felt, put it at the top of the list along with
Desirable
Sexy
Hot
Wanted
Fuckable

I get words like:
Cute
Cuddly
Squishy
Hug-able
Chubby Cheeks, yes a lot of people still call me chubby cheeks
-These words describe a teddy bear, I am not a fucking teddy bear.

The first list is what I wanted, lets be real people. We want the Madonna and the Whore. I was exhausted of being a good girl, and just making do with what I had. That's not me and I don't think I can go back.
We should all lose weight because its good for your health, and you want a long and healthy life, but I'd be lying if I said that was the only reason.

You know me, I'm not a liar...and neither are you.

We all want to be desired, and wanted, we want to be wanted by someone else. The trick is that you have to want yourself first.
I remember being at my old job with a friend and I don't know what we were talking about, but I remember saying to him "we have to make me into something that somebody wants someday!" He looked at me and laughed. It's the truth, I wanted to be something that somebody would eventually want someday. I didn't want what I had, so I figured if I turned it into something that someone else would want, then eventually I'd want it too. The health stuff that comes along with losing weight is all a bonus baby!

Guess what? It works, I eventually felt better, and I looked better too. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but you all saw me. I was a beast! And I can say that now and laugh about it. I felt content for a bit with trying to make others happy, but not all of them appreciated me, so I had to stop giving them everything. I wanted to feel anything so bad that I took whatever I could get, even if it meant doing ridiculous things like cutting up apples for people every single fucking day. I was addicted to that shit like a drug.
Its like you feel nothing, nothing, nothing and then one day it clicks. The apparent Sex Goddess in me woke up. It just all happened to coincide with a conversation about sex dreams and corn flakes on Facebook.
My dear friend Esperanza made a comment on Facebook about how eating corn flakes before bed gave her naughty sex dreams. Other people commented on it, and one person even commented how Corn Flakes were created to deter people from masturbating or thinking of anything sexual. The inventors of Corn Flakes thought that if you followed a bland boring diet you would not have any desire to have any kind of sexual desires.
They......are so wrong.
I made a joke to Esperanza about how I was going to eat more corn flakes! I did. I don't even really like corn flakes, but my roomie does and she had a giant box of them on our refrigerator, so I got into them one day. I hardly ever really sleep let alone sleep enough to have an amazing sex dream. They only happen once in a great while and I wake up feeling very confused. It took about a week of me eating corn flakes constantly because I was curious if I could even have a sex dream that I finally had one.

It was awesome, and totally rocked my world. Everyone who I have talked to about this wants the details, so I'm finally ready to give it up. It was a very hot boy, and its not who you think it is either, so forget about that. The interesting part is that it was a combination of people in my life past and present. It was the physical body of one person and the voice talking to me of the other.
It was raw, I had my hands wrapped around things that I wouldn't normally go for. I'm forward but I've never been that forward. I was putting things into places that I normally don't initiate going towards. And I was just taking it like it was my job. In my dream it was so good, I went back for seconds!

I woke up from that dream breathless, and disoriented.
I woke up from that dream alive, and excited.
I got up and I went to the bathroom because it was so good I thought had wet myself, but I hadn't wet myself. My world got rocked so hard that I had started my period. I wasn't upset, I was more excited to get it over with so that I could see what happens next...

Hows that for feeling alive...
I had a bottle of bubbly later that day with my roomie for Valentines day, and when she asked me why I was in such a good mood I told her all about it.
We had a toast to:
Sex Dreams and Corn Flakes.

Love Lea/Trixie

Everybody wants a Blow Job!

Well, here I am again...I've managed to not only shock everyone around me but I think I have finally topped myself. You'll have to ask last night about that one, but the events did spark the desire to tell you this one...

If you didn't know I used to be huge. I'm still big, but not like I was, and fuck all of the friends who didn't tell me this sooner. Chubby, Pleasantly Plump, big boned, its all bullshit! We all know the truth, but I'm willing to say it.
We know what we think when we see the overweight lady hunched over a shopping cart because she is so big that she can't put too much pressure on her poor overworked feet. And the fatty in the amigo cart with a fucking oxygen tank! It makes me angry and one day I swore that that would never be me. I did not want to end up the sad, saggy, lonely fatty hunched over a shopping cart full of processed food. Oh that lady at the store makes me so angry, you can tell she does not even know what exercise is because her ass is so big.
I know what you're thinking, Lea, your ass is huge how can you say this about someone else you don't even know. Easy, I'm an honest BITCH! I call them how I see them.

I have ghetto booty, and people love it.

I refuse to go out like that though, never. I don't know what lies in the end of all this for me, but when I do go its going to be epic. Remember that.

I was miserable for a very long time and yes I wanted to kill myself. If I could have suffocated myself with food and not eaten my way out of it I would have. You could say that all fatties are just killing themselves with food anyways, right? I was, and someone finally made me realize I had to change. I knew this all along, but I got too comfortable with the way things were that I never saw how they could be. I still can't grasp how far I've come and the opportunities that lie ahead of me. I get into my own head too much and sometimes its too hard to get out.

So I started making small changes to my life. I started working out first, because I knew that trying to exercise would be the hardest. It was, it was also the most intimidating. I blocked out everyone around me so that I didn't have any distractions, or negativity bringing me down. I can bring myself down all by myself thank you very much. Then I had to change how I ate. I had to look at the crap I was putting into my body and stop.
Little by little everyone started to notice and then one by one the ones that wanted to started following my lead and changing their lives too. I was so thankful for all of them, for noticing, for wanting to be better versions of themselves. They were inspiring me to work so much harder. I didn't want to let any of them down. It wasn't hundreds of people or anything, but it was just the few that mattered the most. I wanted to keep them around forever and never let go.

Then there were the others, the ones who enable you to drink, eat shitty, and generally make you feel like shit even though they have no idea they are doing it. Yes, I have plenty of those in my life. That doesn't mean I love them any less, because I do. I love everyone...

So I had this friend that I eventually lived with. Good friend, and has always been there for me. We've known each other a very long time. He used to pick on me when I would cook food. I remember one day he told me "your food is boring. its all really bland, I could never eat plain oatmeal or plain egg whites. I gotta have some flavor or a little fat."
Guess what asshole, this is how people who care about their bodies eat. This is how athletes eat, and this is how I have to eat in order try and make my life better. I would like to see you try it.
But he couldn't, he always had an excuse. He would say "I have no time, I'm too tired. I only have to lose an extra 15 to 20 pounds anyways. I'll start tomorrow."

And then one day a miracle happened, Satan works in mysterious ways...my dear friend tried on a shirt and he walked out and he said "I think its too tight."
I just looked at him and tried to figure out what to say to him. The shirt was so tight that the buttons were popping open. It was obviously too small and it was just sad.
I said "how old is that?" He said, "I just bought it last year and I've only worn it like twice. These shirts are expensive and I hate to get rid of it. Guess its time for me to go on that diet." We laughed and I smiled at him and said "its okay, you can do it. I'm here for you."
I felt good for a minute, I thought I had gotten through to him, the only thing I have ever wanted for everyone is to just take care of themselves.
Like I said I felt good for about a minute. See everything with this friend felt like a competition. So, eventually he was going to be able to do everything better than me. Eat better, run faster, and buy better clothes. I always felt inadequate, and I hated it. Things came so easily to him, and it seemed like he was gonna lose those 15-20 pounds by just changing what he ate. I on the other hand still had so much left to lose. I was gonna have to work, sweat, and fight twice as hard. I had to be more disciplined, and I hated it. It seemed unfair.
Its not easy. It never will be, so don't tell me that it is.
After he started running, and eating better he looked good. He felt better and he slimmed down a lot. I was happy for him, really I was!
He said, "You, know what? I thought this was going to be hard, but its not. One week and I don't even want any bad food. I smell the french fries at work and it makes me sick, I don't even want to eat them. I don't crave any of that bad food at all!"
At that moment I was so angry because I was tired. Tired of working harder than everyone else, tired of listening to my own pathetic excuses, and tired of listening to this Bitch tell me it was easy. This piece of shit took everything that I was working so hard for and shit all over it. He cheapened everything I was doing and he took away my luster. I shouldn't have let him, but I did.
I felt like my hard work meant nothing.

I lost it, I turned around and I looked at him lounging in his stupid recliner and I said "Do not sit there and tell me you don't crave french fries!" He argued with me "what? I don't, its true. I don't want any bad food, its disgusting!" I got angrier and I said "you're a fucking liar, you telling me you don't want any bad food is like saying you don't want a Blow Job! Everybody wants a Blow Job. I want a Blow Job right now and I don't even have a penis!"
He looked at me and it took me a second to calm down. Then we both laughed and he said "Did you really just say that?" I took a deep breath and said "yes, I think I'm just hungry or something. I'm sorry but you were frustrating me." He said, "Why don't you go eat something before you really lose it."
I ate something, I'm sure I didn't enjoy it because I was still so angry.

No one is perfect, and we all have to work really hard for the things we want. Once you do something its yours, you own it and no one can take it away. Its okay to indulge in those guilty pleasures every now and then. Everyone needs a little dirty deed in their lives sometimes. So get you some, just don't pretend like you don't want it, because I don't care who you are...

Everybody wants a Blow Job...

Love,
Lea/Trixie